Entries on Monday 13th March 2006
days no alcohol
- 168
days no s.i. - 52 for two days now i've been feeling well and healthy, i'm smiling and actually feel happy! when i am happy i like to listen to the squirrel nut zippers.. hot swing numbers, rhumbas and cool tangos... if you don't know them you should definitely give them a listen... bren ![]() p.s. cool kitty loves big daddy hamburger patty!!! hell/snz in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay people listen attentively.. i mean about future calamity i used to think the idea was obsolete until i heard the old man tapping his feet.. in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay this is a place where eternally fire is applied to the body, teeth are extruded and bones are ground and baked into cakes which are passed around... in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay beauty, talent, fame, money, refinement, top skill and brain.. but all the things you try to hide will be revealed on the other side.. in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife (light the furnace!) now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay (yes! it is a surprise!) now the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N! lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame! the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N! lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame! blue angel/snz your mama never told you how you were supposed to treat a girl.. your papa never told you.. now you're all alone out in the world.. sirens are screaming, inside the winding sheets are pale.. devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel.. now i lay me down to sleep but troubled dreams are all i find.. i pray the lord my soul to keep, i pray so i won't lose my mind.. sirens are screaming.. on wings tonight i'll soon set sail devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel.. your mama's gonna take it hard.. you always were your mama's boy.. you're lying in a graveyard.. now you're not your mama's joy.. streetlights come streaming, i bat an eye and cast my spell.. devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel...
Entries on Thursday 9th March 2006
it's snowing
here in gumbyland!!!
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Entries on Sunday 5th March 2006
days no alcohol
- 160
days no si - 44 killer headache yesterday into today... we walked for 3 & a half hours at the toy expo yesterday, that always seems to give me a bad headache later... i can't deny not eating/drinking was a factor again... my husband's friend came over to visit with his son, he has been dealing with a heart issue for years and it quite knowledgeable.. he said my heart is only pumping about half what it should and that the muscle lost from years of my ed is not something that i'll get back, what exercise i can do with the fatigue will only make my heart beat more... all i can do is focus on nutrition and take my vitamins and not overexert it.. or starve it... ug. i've probably knocked quite a few years off my life expectancy and am more subject to things like congestive heart problems in my 60's+ if i live that long... not things that mattered to a suicidal person who wanted out of life yesterday... but if i'm gonna stick around i don't want to feel so dreadful... why can't i just be thin and not sick?? anyway... i say i'm giving it a rest, but i know i never am... suffice it to say i'm at a healthier weight for now and every time i try to restrict i get really sick... no fun at all... at least my guys & kitties still love me... i'll cope as long as i still fit in all my favorite clothes... bren p.s. i'm depressed today.. i feel like a failed person in some basic way.. i failed to be what others wanted.. and life just crumpled me up and threw me away... from mr smith/plainclothes man you're everybody's second home always trying to get me alone an easy way to lose it all always there when all else fails over by the west side rails but i don't really need that now i never really did anyhow i only really needed alcohol something that'll treat me okay and wouldn't say the things you'd say please turn out the light i get a sick confusion headache trying to figure out who's right dreaming on the silver strand waking up to plainclothes man you little bastard, little boy in blue someone's gonna get to you and fuck up everything you do he's so unhappy inside he's serious with everyone and he thinks he'll win you with his angry kiss acting like he has no needs wanting you to watch him bleed made for each other bet you pay me any mind just goes to show my continual decline they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while but i don't know i don't think so... there's something that i'll tell you now now that no one else is around the sort of lesson that i learned from you not quite the way you planned but i know you'll understand someone takes a photograph a picture while their sweetheart laughs a perfect moment in a flash of light counting back from 3 to 1 that's exactly what you've done and i'm so unsurprised i remember, i remember why i dream in black & white goes to show my continual decline they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while but i don't know i don't think so i don't think so...
Entries on Saturday 25th February 2006
another lb
down.. only about 120-something more to go!
took a drive today.. lots of pretty ponies.. but more dead animals on the side of the road than i've ever seen before.. multiple raccoons and skunks, a squirrel, a cat, a rabbit and an entire deer, as well as some unidentifiable things... i'm not used to it.. i panic when i eat again.. i panic when i leave my kitties alone too long.. ever since one day when my husband forgot and left the front door unlocked and the wind blew it suddenly open and my little tabitha ran out into the freezing cold... i thank god i was there and we had not all gone for the day.. after that i worry when i'm not here with them.. i need some kind of kitty camera surveillance... the song in my head today is an old one from soundgarden- head down we see that smile we see that smile we see that smile on your face.. we hear you cry we hear you wail we see that smile on your face.. we see you laugh we see you dance we take that away every day.. we see you cry we turn your head then we slap your face.. bow down bow down bow down to live your life.. head down head down head down hide that smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. we see you try we see you fail some things never change.. we hear you cry we hear you wail still that smile on your face.. bow down bow down bow down to live your life.. head down head down head down hide that smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. head high head high head high like a song you like...
Entries on Thursday 23rd February 2006
good news, i
lost another lb.
bad news, it doesn't matter.. today i stupidly tried to show my husband my blog and the s.i. forums i go to, and the friends & family area.. he is militantly anti-s.i. but it's even 'cause i'm militantly anti-moron... it turned into the big s.i. debate of 2006, with him standing there waving his arms making all his sarcastic exaggerations, spouting off about it being wrong and even making these bizarre parallels to murderers, playing devil's advocate and going to extremes as he does so well... making me feel like shit. later he told me how he "hates hates hates" my depression and how it does untold damage to him and my son.. (he has depression too, and a.d.d. and if anyone gets away with murder and an apology later.. it is him...) i have no reason to talk anymore.. i have no reason to be here anymore.. i know that fifty years ago it is people like him (and certain 'friends') that would have lobotomized a person such as me to get rid of the problem... p.s. oh.. but i get blue stars because i did not cut...
Entries on Wednesday 22nd February 2006
crash dieted
yesterday.. never even felt hungry.. but had to forcefeed myself
some kind of protein last night late anyway because i made
myself sick with old familiar symptoms... not fair...
heartache... (but i don't think this is physical) no life.. no life.. everything you need to keep it together.. to keep you off the street.. no life.. no life.. once i used to see a beautiful stranger walking next to me... (don't pick me up.. i'm fine right where i am...) -mr smith
Entries on Monday 20th February 2006
![]() ![]() days no alcohol - 147 days no s.i. - 31 one of mine this time.. nowhere when you finally stop looking around and you're looking down looking down right into the ground.. when the change in your view dizzies you and you're past being through.. dark and hateful at the sound of dogs barking or laughter.. knowing it won't matter here or hereafter.. you've found nowhere you're not alone i'll see you there.. when the thing that did it to you that cut you in two and left you there is what you thought was love or hope or someone true.. do you just accept and say again, 'ok, i lose'? do you muster up a few more meaningless 'fuck-you's? count your tears and paint in blues? you've found nowhere you're not alone i'll see you there.. tired of wrestling demons in the night? wishing still that you could only close your eyes or be held tight.. but losing wrong from right? when you can see it all right in that spot of ground how can you ever turn around? a few more scars and bruises won't release you.. you know that no one sees you.. your pretty scribbled words won't get you anywhere.. you've found nowhere i'll see you there...
Entries on Thursday 16th February 2006
i've been
alternately panicking and sick...
i think it's like tension 'cause i feel like i can't unclench my hands at times.. doesn't help that this arctic freeze is coming.. wind here in the columbia river gorge will send it down to 20 below in the daytime due to the windchill... no shit.. i am just not used to this at all..... sweet though.. we were driving along the sandy river and came upon a little doe who had wandered out onto the side of the road.. we slowed down to see.. but she vanished back into the forest without a trace... makes me think of people out there who like to hunt such innocent creatures... (there should be an open season when people like me get to bring out our weapons and hunt you down...) note: sorry some of you with mozilla browsers can't view the goth show (link at top of 'cool links' page).. it won't see multimedia stuff 'cause it thinks it's a virus or something.. here is the latest addition to the gallery... (oh yeah... ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() returns installation details an excerpt from mr smith.. taking a fall took it like medicine.. horrible.. in a hurry lots of plans go awry.. nothing's wrong.. i won't worry but i rolled for a dollar on your advice and i lost you bad 'cause that's the luck of the dice taking a fall you don't know who to call well you don't know who, do you? taking a fall why do the neighbor's kids have to scream when they're playing? you know i never can understand what you're saying.. and you won't hear a word out of me 'cause i know how indifferent someone can be.. taking a fall well, there's someone to call.. but you don't know who, do you?
Entries on Wednesday 15th February 2006
this a.m.
everything is covered in frost and the cars were frozen
closed...
they are saying we could get snow here friday/saturday.... here we go again... ![]() p.s. it's very lonely here... ![]() mr smith for today: baby britain baby britain feels the best floating over a sea of vodka separated from the rest fights problems with bigger problems sees the ocean fall and rise counts the waves that somehow didn't hit her water pouring from her eyes alcoholic and very bitter for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start.. we knocked another couple back the dead soldiers lined up on the table still prepared for an attack they didn't know they'd been disabled felt a wave a rush of blood you won't be happy 'til the bottle's broken and you're out swimming in the flood you get back you get unspoken for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start.. you got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye like you wanna say hi.. the light was on but it was dim the revolver's been turned over and now it's ready once again the radio was playing "crimson and clover" london bridge is safe and sound no matter what you keep repeating nothing's gonna drag me down to a death that's not worth cheating for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart...
Entries on Tuesday 14th February 2006
![]() i'm just sick from worry about everything... i don't even care anymore i just want to make it stop... today's es: pretty mary k pretty mary k walks along the dock with some sailor's pay shoved down in her sock pretty mary k with some little boy in blue who can't stay away from you pretty mary k took him back to town i'm down here by the bay where the water pounds up against the wall crying black and blue keeps me away from you pretty words that you whispered maybe i misunderstood somebody's not payin attention what they promise and their word isn't good oh mary k.. i can see your face down there in the waves.. painted and erased but i know it's just a reflection of the moon a big fake resembling you i'm gonna go down in the water fill my mouth up full of sand i'll be waiting still impatient with my dead imagination while you're with some other man pretty mary k is off in somebody's room i'm down here by the bay.. my arm around the moon but i'll be with you soon.. just as soon as i pay a walk 'cross the water with pretty mary k walk on water pretty mary k... (almost forgot.. started to say rode into the sun.. past everyone hallelujah.. pretty mary k i found faith in thee.. infirmary there's a soldier lying in bed with a wound to the head calling out to pretty mary k here's what you get for things that haven't happened yet.. happened upon pretty mary k but a soldier's uniform waved you away walked round the dock.. talked to st. james though i'm already done and asked everyone.. have you seen her? pretty mary k.. have you seen her? pretty mary k... )
Entries on Tuesday 7th February 2006
my
husband, the photographer, took these goth pix of me at a
cemetery we visited yesterday.. and added the effects... i made
it into a poem and turned it into a secret link on my website...
but you can go there by clicking here...
something secret... your daily e.s. ...excerpts... i can't answer you anymore something came from nothing today while i was saying no... don't you knock on my door 'cause i can't answer you anymore absence makes the heart grow fond staying away from people was a question before... but i can't answer you anymore.. skip to the scene where we meet and wrote a song.. i did everything right for somebody that does everything wrong.. so i go from coast to coast over the hawthorne bridge to the one i adore you ask me what i'm looking for but i can't answer you anymore no i can't answer you anymore... angel in the snow i'd say you make the perfect angel in the snow all crushed out in where you are better stop before it goes too far.. don't you know that i love you? sometimes i feel like only a cold still life.. only a frozen still life that fell down here to lay beside you... a living will time to kill, i wrote a living will and gave it to the man in the moon.. but i'm on a get well soon this happy face is watching me die.. elevate me to another world all that i can do in my own is leave well enough alone leave well enough alone.. circumstance dropped by uninvited and demand to be fed but i'd already gone to bed there's nothing you can see from inside my spirit arose and put on my clothes and helped me disconnecting the phone to leave well enough alone leave well enough alone...
Entries on Saturday 4th February 2006
![]() days without alcohol - 131 days without si - 15 today i am positively undepressed! ..although still insecure about my husband's extended vacation (still looking for that job..) i don't know if unemployment agrees with him or what.. but for the second time recently he has woke me up in the a.m. and basically ravaged me right in front of the french doors in my room where neighbors could have us arrested, and then been so complimentary and asked me so nicely to not get any 'skinnier' and not weigh myself... then today he took me straight out to get 'cinni-minis' (the kind at bk that you dunk in icing.. they are glorious..) !!! i am surely crossing over to the dark side... we went down to hawthorne blvd. which we like because it's like a popular hippie hangout with eclectic shops and cafes and such, and we found cool toys and comics! him a robot and me a bunch of cool little things, including a glow in the dark skeleton, halloween cards, vintage twilight zone comics and gumby stuff!! guilty pleasures.... yeah, i know it's exactly what we should not be doing right now, huh? well.. it was worth it though.. and we got my son's report card.. all a's, b's & c's, we are very pleased... all very nice teacher comments, too... maybe i should not worry so much about being that thin at this time, given everything? i've decided to try to be happy as long as i fit in all my favorite clothes, and try to relax and enjoy going out and stuff with my guys as much as i can.... bren here's a little excerpt from abused/e.s. for today... now that everybody's worn the expression not that you wanted to use ..it seems untrue now but the funniest thing is it fits you to a perfect t.. you may never understand this affliction although you feel the effect you feel bruised now body and mind, you feel used now almost all of the time.. you've been abused.. abused.. abused.. abused.. how does everyone know? didn't want it to show... p.s. this evening i skimmed through 'big nothing'.. the book written about elliott smith after his death.. i read it a couple years ago... knew he wrote much of his music here in portland where he's from, many familiar street names in his songs, etc... anyway, i just found out he lived right off of hawthorne blvd. that i mentioned above.. and hung out in the very coffee shops and music places we've already come to love... ![]()
Entries on Saturday 28th January 2006
yeah.. depressed
again...
here's your daily e.s. ... splitzville splitzville quitsville you wanna go to splitzville? i got a full tank, let's ride and my, my, my, my, my, my, my splitzville i know the way and i'll end up there one day in splitzville on a natural high my, my, my, my, my, my, my be beautiful, never cry splitzville you don't need a name everybody there behaves the same you're not the only one who didn't sleep last night my, my, my, my, my, my, my feel a-okay, quite alright is there something you've got waiting? something you want too much? hurry up now, you'll miss your bus to splitzville and end up right back here just dreaming about splitzville splitzville splitzville don't dream of death in the other world there's no diet bars and no pretty girls no pusher man to fuck up your mind my, my, my, my, my, my, my you feel a-okay all the time something you've got waiting? something you want too much.. hurry up now, you'll miss your bus to splitzville and end up right back here... ![]()
Entries on Wednesday 25th January 2006
days no alcohol
- 121
days no s.i. - 5 it's raining again......... i've been adding/updating gumbyland... there is now a little blue star on my 'cool links' page that will take you to 'papercuts/collected poetry & short stories by snowballinhell'... there are 17 poems, some of which i've posted around.. and 2 (very) short stories... i even dug up some old stuff i wrote back when i was young... i hated them then, but now i kinda like 'em... let me know what you think... in the second secret gallery hallway.. about halfway through.. i added my dreamcatcher/dreamkeeper, which is a book i did of collected dreams & symbols.. illustrated with my artwork... not the entire thing 'cause it's way too long.. but excerpts which you can view by clicking for the details... plus there's a new fun 'mini gallery' now on the fun links page... and a new installation at the end of the gallery & new music on details pages.. including 'mad world' and mr smith! gumbyland just keeps growing! i like it there... bren from my favorite poet: going nowhere/e. smith he waved hello silent like a mime meaning there's no changing my mind i won't walk the stairs with you tonight going nowhere.. the clock moved a quarter of a turn the time it took her cigarette to burn she said you got a lot of things to learn going nowhere.. saw you move a certain way missed you a lot returned to this abandoned place shoulda been forgot echoes drown the conversation out echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression easily read aloud going nowhere.. the steps made a pattern i'd never seen i felt like a kid of six or seventeen i was off in some empty day dream going nowhere.. it's dead and gone matter of fact it may be for the best you said some things you can't take back honestly i guess the old records are sitting on the floor the ones i can't put on anymore he walked over to her like before going nowhere going nowhere going nowhere... i didn't understand/e. smith thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love and then ignore, put out and put away.. and so you'd soon be leaving me alone like i'm supposed to be tonight, tomorrow and everyday.. there's nothing here that you'll miss i can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke trying to occupy space what a fucking joke what a fucking joke.. i waited for a bus to separate the both of us and take me off far away from you 'cos my feelings never change a bit i always feel like shit i don't know why.. i guess that i just do.. you once talked to me about love and you painted pictures of a never-neverland and i could've gone to that place but i didn't understand i didn't understand i didn't understand...
Entries on Saturday 21st January 2006
days without alcohol - 117! (i tallied it up...) days without s.i. - 1 (oh well...) i had a much better day today... check this out... STONEHENGE... |
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Entries on Thursday 19th January 2006
nevermind trying
to wait till my tetanus booster..
i already fucked up.. i'll never stop cutting. there is no good way out of this mess...
Entries on Tuesday 17th January 2006
my head aches
and my life is seriously unfun..
i think i've crossed over to the dark side.. nothing else to say... here's another elliott smith song: everybody cares, everybody understands yes everybody cares about you yeah and whether or not you want them to it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout so here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining it's guiding light upon everyone for a moment's rest you can lean against the banister.. after running upstairs again and again from wherever they came to fix you in but always fear city's finest follow right behind you got a pretty vision in your head a pencil full of poison lead and a sickened smile illegal in every town.. so here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining its guiding light upon everyone here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun raining its guiding light upon everyone you say you mean well.. you don't know what you mean you fucking ought to stay the hell away from things you know nothing about.
Entries on Wednesday 11th January 2006
it's rained for
the last 25 days here in portland...
tomorrow is our 19th anniversary.. we don't know if we'll do anything since i'm having another headache... i have this forever headache... i'm just happy that he remembered this time... i always feel like i'm just about to cry.. and i keep telling myself it's better than the times i go along detached and disconnected... i'm now really overdue for my tetanus booster so i'm going to try not to s.i. till i have health insurance.. wish me luck 'cause i'll need it... bren the enemy is you / elliott smith you got your head turned 'round walking upside down through the sunken dream through the crushing crowd you don't know what it means 'cause you're a broken machine you won't lisp it out.. you're dressing up your man it's all second hand it's all hindsight you don't understand it's just an empty scene it's still an empty scheme you wanna block it out but i know what i'm gonna do with this big doubt i'm gonna make it go away.. when you go walking out in the rose city without a fucking clue with an attitude knowing what you need what you will not do the enemy is you.. you beat up on yourself 'cause there ain't no one else who feels quite as good to put straight through hell you know yourself well you know what you're about just wanna block it out well, i know what i'm gonna do with this big doubt i'm gonna hide my face away block it out.. well, i know what i'm gonna do with this big doubt i'm gonna make it go away...
Entries on Monday 9th January 2006
i've had some
bad days.. and now some good days..
yesterday we drove into washington in the rain.. then we rode on the old carousel at jantzen beach.. it was built in 1921.. we like to 'collect' carousels on video.. we have a bunch from california.. new ones to find here.. my favorite carousel will always be the old one at knott's berry farm.. it has rabbits, pigs, ostriches, bears, lions, chickens.. all kinds of odd creatures to ride on.. and i remember it well from childhood.. then back home i started looking up elliott smith stuff and i found this incredible site with all of the rare/unreleased songs i've been searching for for years now! demos and alternative versions, all this amazing stuff.. i'm so happy... hope it lasts........... bren miss misery/elliott smith i’ll fake it through the day with some help from johnny walker red send the poison rain down the drain to put bad thoughts in my head.. two tickets torn in half and a lot of nothing to do do you miss me, miss misery? like you say you do? a man in the park read the lines in my hand told me i’m strong hardly ever wrong.. i said man you mean.. you had plans for both of us that involved a trip out of town to a place i've seen in a magazine that you left lying around i don’t have you with me but i keep a good attitude do you miss me, miss misery? like you say you do? i know you’d rather see me gone than to see me the way that i am but i am in the life anyway next door the tv’s flashing blue frames on the wall it’s a comedy of errors.. you see it’s about taking a fall.. to vanish into oblivion is easy to do and i try to be but you know me i come back when you want me to.. do you miss me miss misery? like you say you do?
Entries on Monday 2nd January 2006
i got a letter
from my mom
it meant the world to me.. i know i'll never be a well person i'm less terrified than i was because if this whole venture turns out badly i'm getting out of this for good i've made the best decisions i could.. everything feels completely unreal like if i just stepped off to one side that this whole busy drama of my life would be just a little footnote and maybe i'd find where it is i really went to..? for now i just keep my eyes closed.. /////>>>your daily radiohead.. creep<<<\\\\\\ when you were here before i couldn't look you in the eye you're just like an angel your skin makes me cry you float like a feather in a beautiful world you're so very special i wish i was special.. but i'm a creep i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here.. i don't care if it hurts i want to have control i want a perfect body i want a perfect soul i want you to notice when i'm not around you're so fucking special i wish i was special she's running out the door.. she's running out.. she runs.. run... run... run... run.. whatever makes you happy whatever you want you're so very special i wish i was special but i'm a creep i'm a weirdo what the hell am i doing here?? i don't belong here i don't belong here...
Entries on Monday 26th December 2005
christmas eve
was ok.. we watched 'eraserhead' and played 'songburst:the 70's
edition'.. then iced cookies, opened gifts and played with new
kitty toys and nerf launchers a bit... but christmas day just
depressed me... i didn't hear back from anyone i sent
cards/gifts to, of course... it was just really lonely and
boring...
Entries on Friday 23rd December 2005
my favorite song
ever...
if you don't have this one on your ipod, consider yourself deprived... mad world/gary jules all around me are familiar faces worn out places.. worn out faces... bright and early for their daily races going nowhere.. going nowhere... their tears are filling up their glasses no expression.. no expression... hide my head i want to drown my sorrow no tommorow.. no tommorow... and i find it kind of funny i find it kind of sad the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had i find it hard to tell you i find it hard to take when people run in circles it's a very, very mad world.. mad world... children waiting for the day they feel good happy birthday.. happy birthday... and to feel the way that every child should sit and listen.. sit and listen... went to school and i was very nervous no one knew me.. no one knew me... hello teacher tell me what's my lesson look right through me.. look right through me... and i find it kinda funny i find it kinda sad the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had i find it hard to tell you i find it hard to take when people run in circles it's a very very mad world.. mad world... (enlargen your world) mad world... ![]() p.s. let me know if you want the mp3... days no s.i. - 0 no alcohol - still 2 months + felt sick at the show today... had a panic attack at the food court after...
Entries on Thursday 22nd December 2005
days no s.i. - zero days no alcohol - still 2 months + i just realized while taking tylenol this a.m. that i have had this migraine since the 14th and one during the week before that, and have not been outside since before the big ice storm...
Entries on Wednesday 21st December 2005
why would god
design a life that feels so exquisitely bad?
it truly is a vale of tears... we suck young blood//radiohead are you hungry? are you sick? are you begging for a break? are you sweet? are you fresh? are you strung up by the wrists? we want the young blood... are you f r a c t u r i n g ?? are you torn at the seams? would you do anything? flea-bitten? motheaten? we suck young blood.. we suck young blood.. won't let the creeping ivy... won't let the nervous bury me... our veins are thin our rivers poisoned.. we want the sweet meats.. we want the young blood... i have such a bad headache i just want to die i don't want to leave my kitties alone to be neglected without me i know from past experience i don't have it in me to kill myself.. not sober anyways.. but i cannot cope with this life anymore. i just want god to reach down and crush me.
Entries on Tuesday 20th December 2005
days no s.i. - zero ///the smell of the isopropyl alcohol wipes i use to clean my razor knife makes me want a drink.../// days no alcohol - ? 2 months + it's thawing... i have such a headache fake plastic trees/radiohead a green plastic watering can for a fake chinese rubber plant in the fake plastic earth that she bought from a rubber man in a town full of rubber plans to get rid of itself it wears her out it wears her out it wears her out it wears her out she lives with a broken man a cracked polystyrene man who just crumbles and burns he used to do surgery on girls in the eighties but gravity always wins and it wears him out it wears him out it wears him out it wears... she looks like the real thing she tastes like the real thing my fake plastic love but i can't help the feeling i could blow through the ceiling if i just turned and run and it wears me out it wears me out it wears me out it wears me out if i could be who you wanted if i could be who you wanted all the time.. all the time...
Entries on Monday 19th December 2005
after the
'sideways snow' came freezing rain!
here near the mouth of the columbia river gorge the winds are fierce (60 mph), and this a.m. everything is encased in ice, the cars, the streets, the trees, even the snow on the ground has a thick layer of ice over it! perfect evenly spaced icicles are hanging from everything.. and the waterfalls are frozen! we're stuck inside till the roads thaw and melt... it's kinda lonely... bren
Entries on Sunday 18th December 2005
it's snowing
like a blizzard out right now!!!
i've never seen anything like it, it's swirling in the street and piling up... so very cool (literally...) it's looking like a white christmas is on it's way!!! ![]() bren
Entries on Saturday 17th December 2005
yes, i have a
migraine and i don't even care 'cause i'm so happy!!!
to see why just go to this post... emily strange... bren
Entries on Tuesday 13th December 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() i received a card from my mother yesterday, we don't talk, but as it turned out i ended up sending her pictures of my son she asked for and she wrote back and gave me my oldest sister's current address, which i wanted so i could send her a xmas care package... i try to do that every xmas at least.. she is mentally ill and lives in board and care facilities mostly in la... her life is really hard, she prostitutes and is alcoholic/drug addicted, my mom said she was recently hospitalized with an enlarged liver and one kidney shutting down, went through crack withdrawls while there... ug. i just send her cigarettes and clothes, toothpaste and shampoo, candy bars, stuff like that... i know some years it was all she had for xmas... and who knows how much longer she'll even be around, it's sad. well, isn't today the first day of xmas? or is it tomorrow.. bren
Entries on Monday 12th December 2005
today i had a
really good day!!
![]() we went xmas shopping and bought new collars and catnip for my kitty girls' stocking, and a great blue light sabre for my son, plus jack skellington cologne that he asked for (after his first date...) i stocked up on more armwarmers... for the first time i felt warm enough wearing my new columbia fleece jacket that zips up all the way to under my chin, and my husband and i had cinnaminis that you dip in icing at burger king... it was just fun on a cold winter day... i have set up a bunch of my cool gumby toys and other collectibles in our spare room that we are using as a "collectibles" room, since we have alot!! there's some felix the cat stuff, trading cards, emily strange & mr rogers puppets! viewmaster and circus toys too! and i have a nice big poster of johnny depp on the wall... ![]() my kitties seem to like this room best, too, i call it my happiness room... i have a dollhouse in there that i can work on, and there's a heater in the wall so i don't freeze... i'm just happy.. what do you know...? oh, p.s. my son got really good grades on his report card, all a's and b's and one c! plus great teacher comments about his character, makes a mom proud... ![]() bren |
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Entries on Saturday 5th November 2005
days no s.i. -
36
days no alcohol - 40 i'm not going to post my weight, i have gained 3 lbs. on my new healthy diet and it's hard to face, but i am enjoying marionberry pie ala mode for breakfast... (marionberry is a kind of blackberry and is the best thing you can eat for heart healthy antioxidants!)... also i have recently become addicted to the eggroll from jack-in-the-box... my goal is to have our kitchen/diningroom finished with windows/skylights replaced, all boxes unpacked and everything totally up and running with a new formal diningroom table in time for an old fashioned homemade thanksgiving feast for me and my guys and my kitties!!! ![]() ![]() bren (gumbylove)
Entries on Friday 4th November 2005
better day...
spent all day repapering kitchen cabinets... picking off little bits of grimy old liner that's probably older than i am... till i feel like i'm having an out of body experience... still so much to do...
Entries on Thursday 3rd November 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() how much i weigh, how many days i have not cut or injured myself or drank alcohol do not matter at all... i've been pushed to my limit my throat hurts like someone is gripping/choking me there tightly it's the part of myself that hates me for sitting here crying like the supreme idiot i know i truly am but it's not enough to stop the leakage, i'm like a sponge that has become so soaked it has reached the fullest saturation point... i'm just a fucking mess no matter what i decide people suck more than any fucking thing i know it is not just dealing with the morons that is so wearing and heartbreaking it is the non morons that kill you the piece of feces salespeople the truly evil drug companies that want to have control of our brain chemistry and our wallets (real cures don't produce ongoing profits...) egofuckingmaniac spoiled brat doctors that really know so little and every other so called human being that must suck every goddamn dime out of you, exploit any weakness and lie to your face or latch onto whatever resources you can offer them, emotionally, your caring and your time... we're only prey however futile it is, just know that one person is wishing you all to hell today...
Entries on Tuesday 1st November 2005
hi, i'm back now
with my new cable internet at:
snowballinhell@comcast.net it has been raining plenty here, kinda crazy with all the different repair people coming in and out all the time scaring my kitties.. i love it here, though... i have discovered the wonders of armwarmers... i have some black ones with skulls on them that have ripped out thumbholes so i can still wear my rings and stuff, plus they cover scars and i am warm enough to wear just a t-shirt again! i think it is 33 days no s.i. and 37 days sober? i haven't weighed myself in a week, the longest i've gone in ages... i'll update that soon, but i have been taking my vitamins and not making myself sick for a while, which is kinda amazing in itself... i'm just too busy or too wiped out to care as much about weighing myself maybe? that must be a good thing... well, gotta go check the arcade and see if i still have the pacman, asteroids and space invaders high scores now that it's november, are they reset yet? that's ok, my scores were so dang high even i tried and couldn't beat them...lol neener! neener! neener! bren (gumbylove) ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
Entries on Saturday 29th October 2005
![]() ![]() goodbye x you were the cure for my love sickness my loneliness for every empty day for the ache of the snow melting ice shifting in the cold numb waste in the hold of blue blackness red liquid anesthetic let me hide from them and if only i'd held you closer felt you deeper would i be better then? you were the only kind witness to the nothingness a meaningless silent pain a goodbye kiss that never happened praying after a falling sunrise coming down like rain in my mirror with your sad ideas dark eyed against a pale flat sky how could i ever let you go wings broken crashing into the same hard ground... now we can only stay together who would be my lover marked forever yours so ok, make me what you want i'm sick at heart a bleeding angel pinned in the snow i thought maybe we'd solve this mystery i thought everything lost is found if i could ever be what you needed or if you too are afflicted let me know somehow... - a poem from snowballinhell
Entries on Friday 28th October 2005
117
no s.i. - 29 no alcohol - 33 found a way to keep online till tuesday when i switch to comcast cable... been busy busy busy... feeling really mentally out of it at times, weird like my brain won't work...maybe just stress? sent an email to my sister monday...about our move... haven't heard back from her... oh well, when it comes to my relatives nothing ever surprises me anymore... i'm so happy we are here in oregon, my son absolutely loves his new high school, he is surprised at how friendly and nice everyone is to him, not like california at all, not overcrowded either, and no uniforms... the kitties seem happy as clams here with the entire downstairs to play in and all the windows to sit and watch squirrels and birds from... like kitty bigscreen tv!! my husband and i are getting along better, and i am trying to eat well and take my vitamins and drink gatorade often so i don't get dehydration sick anymore... i still feel kinda depressed and lonely, but i have plenty to do to keep busy, i set up my big livingroom wall unit with all my favorite books and toys/collectibles, and we have enough wall space now that we can get some of my art framed to hang on the walls... i'm even framing some great radiohead posters to put up downstairs in our new game room! speaking of games... i love the arcade here... i am addicted to pacman and asteroids, thanks again to amby and andrew!!! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() the happiest i have been here was when we all three went out for ice-cream at a coldstone's creamery, we're going to do that again soon... well, i'll update my email address here once i get it... bren (gumbylove)
Entries on Tuesday 25th October 2005
it's day 25 for
no s.i.
day 29 for no alcohol? i really am losing my internet till i get cable in november, so bye for a while... i'll be back... bren
Entries on Sunday 23rd October 2005
116
days w/out s.i. - 23 days w/out drinking - 27 now i'm sick with a cold...ug. i've been putting off sending an email to my family to let them know i've moved out of state... i should let them know, i just always feel anxious making contact with them, oh well... my husband has been showing a colleague how to fill in for him at his old position, and has agreed to do some work from here using his pc/fax to help with the transition, then last night it turns out this guy got into an argument with his father, and his father took out a gun and shot and killed him! ![]() now my husband has to cover for the one who was going to cover for him, basically... life is so strange... i've been kinda depressed and lonely still... but the weather here is exactly perfect... i'll send an email to my sister tomorrow... bren
Entries on Thursday 20th October 2005
ok, to catch
up...
116 lbs. days without s.i. - 3 weeks exactly days without drinking - 25 it's raining lightly here... there's so much to do... the stress is just too much these days, i feel like i'm in desperate need of just a hug or reassurance of some kind, but my husband with his a.d.d. takes so much of his ongoing frustration out on those of us who are around him that i just don't even want to ask... i never do. we talk, and he says we have always had to get by on our own, even when we were kids, and he's right... i should try to enjoy the feeling of being on my own and free of ties now... instead i just care less about everything... i do want to take care of my kitties and guys, and get the things done that i need to do, but secretly i can't help but still wish i didn't need to even be anywhere anymore...i mean, people die, what does it matter? bren
Entries on Wednesday 19th October 2005
it lives (an update).. this move has been at times a hellatious nightmare and at other times so cool... i'm so beyond tired, and so tired of feeling sick... this is the first chance i've had to use my laptop and it is with superslow dial up that my husband literally rigged from a cord attached to the pole outside!! about the move... well, first of all it was all the stress i could even handle without any sleep and trying to keep the kitties in good shape... the movers spent all day packing our stuff because i'm a collector and we have just tons of stuff (all obsessive/compulsively boxed, labeled and organized, at least)... then we headed out before light in a rented motorhome with all 7 kitties in 4 large cat carriers in the back... they were terrified and meow-cried...i was a basket case, it was the hardest thing i've ever done, i've never been more worried, even during childbirth, or other major events like that... i just got snot all over my favorite khaki radiohead jacket crying for days... my son is super protective of the kitties, like me, and we took turns calming them down along the 21+ hour drive... i will always remember how sweet they were as i'd come to check on them and they'd all come up to my face and i could smell their sweet little meow-breath as they'd try to get close to my face, they are the best... they held out great, even at the end when i was afraid they might be dehydrated or that they'd get sick or die, they would purr when i checked on them and pushed kibble through the bars... they were so scared they peed their kitty cushions and everything... but it all turned out ok, they are fine and haven't even lost and ounce of their plumpness and seem ok after the huge trauma... my husband got so sleepy trying to make the marathon drive straight through that we had to stop and park at a mc'd's in the middle of the night and let him sleep an hour or two and then go on, we hit the worst fog i've ever seen for the last 300 miles and got to our new house at 3 a.m. in the morning... i can't even describe how traumatic this has been. the sellers left the house in bad shape.. we still have not gotten phone, there was no water when we got here, no gas for laundry/dryer, fireplaces in terrible shape, and a literal mountain of junk, dirt, scrap wood and crap piled up in the back yard that the neighbors say has been accumulating for years... ug. we had motion sickness so bad from the bumpy rattly rv that my son and i were like deathly ill nauseated for days after, and i have had to just eat the kinds of food i normally do not like at fast food, which has made me sick... i slept on the floor too many nights and have massive bruising from that and injuries i don't even remember doing in all the work/moving heavy stuff... now my son's sick with a cold.. on and on... no modern conveniences to comfort us, we all just rejoiced once we got electrical and our refrigerator running!! plus it turns out our formal diningroom has mold in the skylights and we've now spent thousands of dollars setting up a crew to come in and do all the work of replacing windows, ventilating, etc... god. spending lots of money scares me to death. on the cool side, the house is big and when you look out the front windows you see more squirrels than cars moving out on the street, the kitties love it, woodpeckers, geese flying over, huge christmas trees all around and it rains off and on, which we love... well, i've gone on and on and on... i don't know how many days it's been without drinking, and i have not cut either... at 117 still, i was so relieved to find when my scale arrived that i had not gained weight eating all this food, i guess i'm working it off, stressing it off?? but i don't care as much, since i got the ecg results, i feel like i have to take better care of myself or my guys and kitties will end up on their own... i don't know if i mentioned it before the move? i have to go see a cardiologist now, since my heart is weak and supposed to pump at 60% or something, is at 36% instead, from my e.d. ... my husband has had like nightmares that i am going to die, so i feel bad, especially being so sick through all this, i don't want him to worry right now, my son either... he had his 17th birthday two days ago... we at least got a big old monstrously huge pumpkin and put it up on our front porch... that's our halloween this year! like nobody offers dsl so i have to get cable installed but it will take probably another week... ug.. i need my internet! oh, p.s. i was literally hallucinating that i was hearing my kitties meowing in distress even in places where they obviously were too far away like in restrooms where we stopped along the way, etc... at one stop near the oregon border it just reeked of christmas trees outside and was just so beautiful... i like it here, despite everything... ![]() bren
Entries on Tuesday 11th October 2005
great...
got results from the dr re: my echocardiogram... i need to go see a cardiologist now i have a weak heart i'm afraid to even say, what else?
no s.i. - 12
no alcohol - 16 ![]() stupid fucking people... we're about to load all our kitties, our budgies, and everything we own into the moving van and drive 18 to 20 hours straight to our new house up in portland, and the sellers didn't make repairs that they agreed to, so the two front garage doors need to be replaced right away, before the movers get there with all the stuff, since we cannot secure it... plus they left a bunch of crap for us to have to haul away, an old hot tub and junk like that... didn't repair the front door as they also agreed to, hope it functions to get stuff in and out there... we allowed them an extension of almost two weeks to do it all, thank you so fucking much... people suck... never trust them...that's my experience. i have my typical monthly killer headache, perfect timing, should never have agreed to the extension... and i'm tired. i won't have internet after wed. p.m. for like two weeks, unless i can stop in a starbuck's, and if my sbc even works (have to switch to verizon for portland...) so, i'll try to get here to my blog at least, when/if i can... no... i just realized, it all goes with our phone service, it'll be turned off and i won't be able to even get here, or send emails... people can go to hell.. right now i hate the whole fucking world... goodbye "hell is other people" jean-paul sartre
Entries on Sunday 9th October 2005
ULALUME
by Edgar Allan Poe 1847 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The skies they were ashen and sober; The leaves they were crisped and sere- The leaves they were withering and sere; It was night in the lonesome October Of my most immemorial year; It was hard by the dim lake of Auber, In the misty mid region of Weir- It was down by the dank tarn of Auber, In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir. Here once, through an alley Titanic, Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul- Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul. These were days when my heart was volcanic As the scoriac rivers that roll- As the lavas that restlessly roll Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek In the ultimate climes of the pole- That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek In the realms of the boreal pole. Our talk had been serious and sober, But our thoughts they were palsied and sere- Our memories were treacherous and sere- For we knew not the month was October, And we marked not the night of the year- (Ah, night of all nights in the year!) We noted not the dim lake of Auber- (Though once we had journeyed down here), Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber, Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir. And now, as the night was senescent, And star-dials pointed to morn- As the star-dials hinted of morn- At the end of our path a liquescent And nebulous lustre was born, Out of which a miraculous crescent Arose with a duplicate horn- Astarte's bediamonded crescent Distinct with its duplicate horn. And I said–"She is warmer than Dian: She rolls through an ether of sighs- She revels in a region of sighs: She has seen that the tears are not dry on These cheeks, where the worm never dies, And has come past the stars of the Lion, To point us the path to the skies- To the Lethean peace of the skies- Come up, in despite of the Lion, To shine on us with her bright eyes- Come up through the lair of the Lion, With love in her luminous eyes." But Psyche, uplifting her finger, Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust- Her pallor I strangely mistrust:- Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger! Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must." In terror she spoke, letting sink her Wings until they trailed in the dust- In agony sobbed, letting sink her Plumes till they trailed in the dust- Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust. I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming: Let us on by this tremulous light! Let us bathe in this crystalline light! Its Sybilic splendor is beaming With Hope and in Beauty to-night:- See!–it flickers up the sky through the night! Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming, And be sure it will lead us aright- We safely may trust to a gleaming That cannot but guide us aright, Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night." Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her, And tempted her out of her gloom- And conquered her scruples and gloom; And we passed to the end of the vista, But were stopped by the door of a tomb- By the door of a legended tomb; And I said–"What is written, sweet sister, On the door of this legended tomb?" She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume- 'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!" Then my heart it grew ashen and sober As the leaves that were crisped and sere- As the leaves that were withering and sere- And I cried–"It was surely October On this very night of last year That I journeyed–I journeyed down here- That I brought a dread burden down here- On this night of all nights in the year, Ah, what demon has tempted me here? Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber- This misty mid region of Weir- Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber, This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir." Said we then, the two then, "Ah, can it have been That the woodlandish ghouls, The pitiful, the merciful ghouls, To bar up our way and to ban it From the secret that lies in these wolds, From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds, Have drawn up the spectre of a planet From the limbo of lunary souls, This sinfully scintillant planet From the Hell of the planetary souls..."
exit
music (for a film)
wake from your sleep the drying of your tears today we escape... we escape... pack and get dressed before your father hears us before all hell breaks loose... breathe.. keep breathing... don't lose your nerve breathe.. keep breathing... i can't do this alone... sing us a song a song to keep us warm there's such a chill... such a chill... and you can laugh your spineless laugh we hope your rules and wisdom choke you... now we are one in everlasting peace... we hope that you choke that you choke... we hope that you choke that you choke... we hope that you choke that you choke...
116
days without s.i. - 10 days without drinking - 14 i have a headache today and the light hurts my eyes...
Entries on Saturday 8th October 2005
depressed
today...
Entries on Thursday 6th October 2005
days without s.i.
- 7
days without drinking - 11 i'm tired, and i don't like having houseguests... i don't even want to talk, i don't want to move, i want to stop now... i want to hibernate right through the rest of this thing... i have a headache and a stomachache... i know cutting would take me away... little one / elliott smith one more little one i'll go down and stay down and sleep the rest of the day dream new music to calm down and stay down and keep evil away i can hear you asleep changing your shape dissolve in some dream till a new one appears to take you along where you've never been... 1..2..3..4..5..6..7.. the moonlight tonight seems to belong to me 'cause i never sleep/even those who can't sleep they need some company... one hit wouldn't hurt a bit i'll go down and stay down and see what's there to find if it's good shit we won't know and i won't know you've found that i've died/i'll be ok if i seem to be reckless with myself it's the fault of no one all things have a place under the moon as well as the sun one more little one i love you... later... i can really feel myself going down a decline today...
Entries on Wednesday 5th October 2005
115 today...
days without s.i. - 6 days without drinking - 10 ...
Entries on Tuesday 4th October 2005
still 116..
days without s.i. - 5 days without drinking - 9 i feel like such a spaz lately... i am anxious, i get upset easily and i talk too much.. also my dr left a message on my machine to call her back, she wants to talk to me about the results of my echocardiogram...that worries me...because i figured no news was good news, and i cancelled my physical because i was all cut up and too chicken to go... now i'm scared to even call her back, but i need to... and i know she will be upset that i cancelled my appointment...again. we move on the 13th early in the a.m. before light... if my kitties cry the whole way in their carriers i'll be a basketcase... ![]() ![]()
Entries on Saturday 1st October 2005
116 still
days without cutting - 2 days without drinking - 6 i just feel so stupid lately, and like the minotaur in the picture up there on the left... a big oversized crying monster... i'm just going to shut up now. ![]() |
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Entries on Friday 30th September 2005
still 116 and
happy right where i am...
days without cutting - 1 days without drinking - 5 kinda alot of anxiety these days... but no more destructive crap like last weekend.. my therapist has offered to let me email her back and forth in place of sessions through this big move coming up... i'll probably run her ragged and make her sick of me, but at least i'm leaving... besides, she's been rattling my cage lately... ![]() at least she does seem to care... bren (gumbylove)
Entries on Thursday 29th September 2005
116 today... i
know i should not worry about numbers/weight but i can't help
needing to feel kind towards myself whatever that takes right
now...
days with out s.i. - zero days without drinking - 4 i slept last night and dreamed maybe because my mind has let me rest... i had a dream that i was gone i didn't even have a reflection in the mirror but it was ok.. it was very reassuring in a way... my cuts rebled in my sleep.. oh.. p.s. i'm so glad we don't have to tag in the blogs anymore...
Entries on Wednesday 28th September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() i did not drink today, but i have been cutting kind of alot, and then i went to my last session with my therapist and completely dissociated or tranced out or something... she calls it 'checking out' i didn't know that was going to happen, it makes me feel like such an idiot.. i have alot of cuts, on my sides and arm, maybe it is what is making me check out today, it does that, but usually i can function if things arent too bad.. i know i have not been coping well with this right now, moving, and problems between me and my husband, and i went to try to say goodbye to my sick sister and she was gone and no one knows where she's mentally ill, and she's usually in hospitals and board and care facilities, but often she has fallen through the cracks and been on the street (prostituting and using crack) anyway now she is lost again and i don't think i'll probably ever see her again now. the paralyzed frozen feeling is starting to shake off some, i'm so glad i at least was able to talk some usually this has happened before at home and i could not talk at all i'm afraid one day i'll just really go crazy or something. i'm afraid of not having my therapist to talk to if my life goes back to how it was before i am worried i will have to get out of it any way i can.. maybe it won't maybe it will be better i worry because i had gone to this one psychologist many years ago and i looked up to him like he was the sun or something, even though he was such a jerk so much of the time, anyway, it was probably like he reminded me of my dad? but my husband went too, alot of the time, especially at first because i sat there and did not say anything at all... anyway at one point i found out my husband was completely lying to me about what the psychologist was saying, just for his own reasons, and when i realized this i got so scared and i quit going and then i started getting migraines, tmj and phobias about food... i'm afraid leaving another therapist i really depended on might make me sick in some new way, or something, i just don't know... i don't know. i said bye and went to the car and cried like a mental case... ![]()
days without
cutting - zero
days without drinking - 3 ![]() if it would be worth it for one last time... ![]()
Entries on Monday 26th September 2005
![]() freefall is the only way to go sure in gravity's embrace weakness pulling you down speeding into eternity against the deafening wind dropped from care's numb and fumbling hands.. the cold increase of night changing your eyes to black as day gives up everything irretrievably to the lowest edge of the sky the obsession called life arrested and surrendered to your maker in the glow of goodbyes the secret debris of your spent heart only a meaningless vapor trail... days without cutting - zero days without drinking - 1
Entries on Sunday 25th September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() well i guess i'm not real popular now that i fucked up
Entries on Saturday 24th September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() update: days w/out drinking...zero days w/out cutting.....zero (snowballinhell)
![]() officially off the wagon... oh well... i'm getting used to being sick most of the time anyway...
pretty (ugly
before)... by elliott smith
sunshine been keeping me up for days there is no nighttime it's only a passing phase and i feel pretty pretty enough for you i felt so ugly before i didn't know what to do sometimes is all i feel up to now but it's not worth it to you because you gotta feel high right now is it destruction? that you're required to feel like somebody wants you.. someone that's more for real... sunshine been keeping me up for days there is no nighttime it's only a passing phase and i'll feel pretty another hour or two i felt so ugly before i didn't know what to do i didn't know what to do i didn't know what to do i felt so ugly before i didn't know what to do... bren
Entries on Friday 23rd September 2005
this a.m. i am
thinking maybe this is just exhaustion,
maybe i just need to rest, and also i can't help but grieve for everything i am leaving behind... feed a cold, starve a fever? what do you do for a broken heart? ![]() if times heals all wounds why am i still this way? depression scares me...
Entries on Thursday 22nd September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() well, that happy face didn't last long... now i'm really depressed... i even ate more than i'm used to eating, i hate that feeling of being too full.. maybe i thought i'd feel better...not. really really depressed... now it's a done deal, papers are all signed.. just went downhill all day... (like a snowball in hell getting smaller and smaller and disappearing into a puddle...?) now it's hitting me, i guess.
![]() ![]() ![]() today i drew a happy face in my journal!! i don't know if i ever did that before... we've signed papers and put the final pieces into motion... and soon i will be leaving... i'm ready to go.. even though i'm sure i'll fall apart on the other end of this... in a strange way i think you have to be just a little bit suicidal to take this kind of a risk, to jump off in a completely new direction, i have nothing to lose in some ways i woke up in the middle of the night again, like i always do, and this time i woke up with the familiar feeling that i am all alone... like times long ago.. i know i have a son, my kitties and a husband, but i have settled my life into a marriage that feels like what i have known, in a way i am emotionally quarantined... i'm afraid sometimes of my ability to cope alone... i think that everyone needs to have someone there, that will curl up behind you and hold on to you when you just can't talk... s.i. has been my only true comfort, sadly sometimes even more so than my kitties, it is too hard for me to give it up yet...maybe someday. as for the drinking, going back to it after something like a 10 year abstinence, even for just 6 months or so like i did, was just like laying out a minefield for myself, associations and temptation lurk around every corner...i'll never make it, i know... old friends die hard... bren
Entries on Wednesday 21st September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() big thunderstorm here yesterday, lots of lightning scaring my kitties to pieces!! well, there are the usual tags, because i feel i am going to rant a bit... this moving is quite stressful... we have sold our house on this end, and yet the sellers of the new house we are buying are dragging their feet and making us worried, we are just hanging out there awaiting a definite commitment in writing on their part (it is a bankrupcy situation and there are lawyers on their end), we just want to get outta here already, but we're waiting on a judge's decision on the 28th and these people to get off their butts and go! i could go on and on, but frankly, it makes me crazy just to talk it over again... at least the appraiser came here yesterday, one more thing done, strangers outta my house... sober and still haven't cut, i find that if i can put it off just one day (s.i.), that i can get past needing it for awhile, i end up busy or in a different state of mind/mood that next day, enough to avoid it...sometimes... the need for a drink just crops up all the hell over the place... it does NOT seem to go away... i love our new truck, well not new, it's a used '95 dodge ram for our camper, and it is super clean and nice inside and out, runs perfect, best we could've hoped for...and best of all, it's all paid for...no one can take it away, which speaks to my eternally insecure inner child, saying, "you will never be homeless, because you have your camper/truck"... not so crazy a thought, as we had to actually live in it for a while back when my son was a baby, something i'll never forget...my good old camper...my husband has tried to get me to sell it, get rid of it...no fucking way!!...it is my hedge against disaster... and besides, when we're not using it, we keep it set up for games, vintage nes/snes games like final fantasy and ultima, dragon warrior, wizardry, fester's quest, shadowgate and tombs & treasures...we have all the good oldies! all my game journals/maps and acoutremont have been passed down to the next grateful generation with my son...the game master jr. i finished my goodbye letters with plenty of real tears, and more resolve and anger than i thought i had going on, maybe running into my parents the other day that way was a test?...am i really ready to go? ...i am. and what else do i do to deal with all the stress but try to lose a few lbs.... that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 117 now and sickish just about every a.m., but i don't even care, i need to be ok with me/myself right now for some reason... ![]() i don't know why, this just appeared here, i think i'll wear my "pirates of the carribean" shirt from disneyland today...feeling piratey! drink up, mateys, yo ho! bren (gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell)
Entries on Monday 19th September 2005
![]() today i saw my parents... i have not spoken with them in years, and today while waiting to pick my son up from school, they drove right by me, saw me, and this time decided to wave to me...i was so conflicted as to what to do, and when i saw my niece in the car with them looking out the window at me, i waved..and that must have been all the encouragement my mom needed, because just when i was starting to calm down, thinking they were gone, they pulled up from behind me and parked their car and began getting out! they had gone around the block! i was already in tears and all shaky and when i realized they were back i just about had heart failure... i panicked and i took off and drove in a circuitous path in a huge path around the school trying to avoid them, and get back to my son before he ran into them...knowing after all this time of them avoiding us that it would freak him out, too... anyway, that's enough panic for me, i want to get outta here. i had actually just finished writing my 'goodbye' letters to them both when suddenly this happened. it just made me feel upset all over again after i thought i was finally laying this whole issue to rest... ![]() ![]() man, could i ever use a drink right now... bren ![]() i didn't even need to cut, i decided it would be the least of all evils... i need to be lost right now.. then i just stopped feeling real ... just like that... fell asleep... disconnected a million miles without cutting.. if i've hurt them at all, that hurts me... but now it's not even real... it's ok. if i need to cut tomorrow i can. ![]()
![]() well, last night we cooled off with sweet cream and raspberry ice cream from coldstone's creamery and turned off the lights and read poetry by flashlight! ![]() it was so perfect, with that great big moon out, too, just a whisker away from being full... my son is great at reading poetry aloud, of that i am proud..and afterwards we got to talking about our dreams and nightmares... i have a hard time reading poetry aloud because it makes me choke up and cry, strange i am so disconnected to all else but poetry, music and art... at christmastime i cry buckets through all of the christmas carols...it is my weakness, for sure.. all necessary repairs are complete on the house, and we got a bunch more packing done, but now my husband's back is shot for awhile, we also bought a truck to take our camper up to oregon, we pick it up tonight, then tomorrow the appraiser comes...will it never end?! even now, while things seem a little better, i get these thoughts that i'd really like a drink...i don't think this is something i'll be too successful with for very long. bren
Entries on Sunday 18th September 2005
ok, so surprise!
i am in a good mood this morning...
![]() it was so funny, we were just waking up and my hubby and i got on this subject, he was saying how "visual" he is..and about how "touching" visual things are to him, like scenes of families together, etc... so anyway, how could i resist such a perfect setup?... i jumped up and mooned him..(yep, my skinny lily white arse!) and said, "yeah? well Touch this, baby!" and ran! he tried to catch me, but i got away and locked the door...it was just really funny... so, i am so into poetry right now that we have decided to have a reading tonight! that's right, we are such cool cats, we are gonna HOWL tonight... me..(cool kitty)...hubby...(big daddy hamburger patty) and jr. (hyde)...well, actually my husband doesn't do readings, he just sits back and clicks his fingers for us... we got the idea one time when we had this blackout here, and my son had curled up into fetal position since he couldn't play his PS2, so we got out flashlights and held them under our faces and read scary h.p. lovecraft stories! it was way cool! my husband took video using the 'nightshot' effect which was so creepy, we had these vampire like glowy eyes, and our kitties kept walking around with their glowy eyes! anyway, it'll be so cool, i know. i would like a tape of it to put audio on my ipod anyway, because i am "auditory" and have to hear my poetry read aloud for me to fully appreciate it...i'm going to attempt ulalume and for annie... i'll let you know how it went.. bren yes, no tags! ![]()
Entries on Saturday 17th September 2005
hey look no
tags!
i'm going to see if i can get through this entry without them...lol the plumber is here, the termite man and the notary man is coming with our agent so we can sign more papers... termite man vs. notary man? my money's on termite man... this blog is my respite from these invaders milling around me right now... ![]() ![]() i couldn't sleep last night again much, when i did i had bad dreams... it's like chronic anxiety i guess, and i felt sickish again, despite ongoing gatorade and force feeding of protein, oh man, need to go back and tag... anyway, i feel worse when i eat, so... whatever..i'm doing my best walking a thin line.. doing a little better though, mentally, i think, lots to do, packing especially, that makes me glad, getting further along...outta here. not as depressed, and almost done with my goodbye letters, just mom and dad left...saved the toughest ones for last.. it's hard because my husband has a.d.d. and is just so tuned out generally, it is lonely, and i've gotten used to it kinda, i try to talk to him, appeal to him, but it's mostly like being alone with an old friend, living together, once in awhile he wants company and it's almost like we are dating, but sometimes i just don't even want to be close to him. sad, huh? after 18 years of marriage... at least we each know that we won't bail out on each other, and we do love each other, in our devoted dysfunctional way...it's just when times are hard, i really feel on my own.. w.e.i.f.n.? (what else is fucking new?) i need a button that says this...oh, shit, now i must go back and tag..oops..another one... seeya, bren
Entries on Friday 16th September 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() hi, here i am sickish again, clutching my gatorade bottle... what the fuck is the matter with me anyway... i just have this selfish need to feel better, even if it is in my own sick ways, s.i., cold vodka or my familiar cloudy minded hunger high... that's pathetic, but it's what i have, it's what has helped me so many times before... and i need something right now... well, i took good care of my last cuts, cleaned 'em up, and kept bandaids on, they healed much faster, i noticed..usually after i just don't wanna see or think about it and i ignore it.. still thinking about s.i. ...a drink... it's like russian roulette solitaire...spin the bottle...some metaphor... what will it be next? suspense... like having 5 bullets loaded into 6 chambers and still knowing fate will cruelly not kill me...lucky me. writing more goodbyes... laying off the dark poetry a bit, going to focus on packing this weekend, tons to do to distract myself... only gets me closer/more ready to leave... i'm running away from home just like i wanted to do when i was 8.. i guess it just took me longer than i planned, but now i'm ready..? bren
Entries on Thursday 15th September 2005
![]() ![]() this little one just hatched and wriggled it's way out of my twisted brain and was born on one sleepless autumn night... unreconciled no matter how thin i get i still cast a giant shadow no matter how many times i bury her she digs her way out through the dirt with her nails in my flesh and whispers in my ear from behind i shed my skin but the scales return red and black and smooth i choke her down i kill the thirst and she is flying out singing 4 and 20 black words looking out of my eyes her poison in my veins her venom in my mouth her fangs piercing flesh her rot in my heart her smile on my lips...
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() i just wanted to say thanks to the nice people who talked to me in the 'considering suicide' forum while the main site was down...i read all 8 pages of the "reasons for.." page, and i usually keep my head above water ok, even with all my problems, but when i crash i stop caring about just about everything. sorry if i seemed beyond help at the time. i just finally get tired. but i'm ok now, my kitties need me to take care of them in the way they are accustomed to, and to get them through the trauma of this big move into their new big house...that's what i'm here for. i just can't help thinking about suicide as a way out, have always had those kind of thoughts here and there since i was little, even. i'll be driving down the highway by the airport approaching a tunnel, and as i accellerate i can feel just how easy it would be to aim for the concrete instead of the tunnel, that's when i know the idea is creeping in again... i have not had a drink since june still... this is no easy thing...and i don't feel like i have to fucking like it... my eating is ok, taking vitamins once in a while and drinking gatorade, not sick anymore, but at 118 lbs. (at 5'9") i feel like just a few more lbs. down would make me feel so much better... i cut twice last weekend, and once i've screwed up and done it, it just doesn't seem to matter if i do it again, but so far i have stopped... i have been writing goodbye letters to everyone, selfish one sided ones that i do not intend to send, they are for my closure only...bridge burning. the hardest one has been for my sister who is mentally ill and in a board and care facility, but then i haven't even started the ones for my parents yet... still listening to poe on disc, but have changed my mind, right now my favorite is 'for annie', the way it is read on the cd i mentioned in my last entry... an excerpt (1849) my website has a link to the full version... thank heaven the crisis- the danger is past, and the lingering illness is over at last- and the fever called living is conquered at last sadly, I know i am shorn of my strength, and no muscle I move as I lie at full length- but no matter-I feel i am better at length and I rest so composedly, now, in my bed that any beholder might fancy me dead- might start at beholding me, thinking me dead the moaning and groaning, the sighing and sobbing, are quieted now, with that horrible throbbing at heart:–ah, that horrible, horrible throbbing the sickness–the nausea- the pitiless pain- gave ceased, with the fever that maddened my brain- with the fever called living that burned in my brain and oh of all tortures that torture the worst has abated–the terrible torture of thirst for the naphthaline river of passion accurst:- i have drunk of a water that quenches all thirst:- of a water that flows, with a lullaby sound, from a spring but a very few feet under ground- from a cavern not very far down under ground and ah let it never be foolishly said that my room it is gloomy and narrow my bed; for man never slept in a different bed- and, to sleep, you must slumber in just such a bed my tantalized spirit here blandly reposes, forgetting, or never regretting its roses- its old agitations of myrtles and roses: for now, while so quietly lying, it fancies a holier odor about it, of pansies- a rosemary odor, commingled with pansies- with rue and the beautiful puritan pansies... yes, it is creepy, but i love it... well, stuff to do today... bren (gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell) |
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Entries on Wednesday 14th September 2005
since my posts
vanished too, i will put up some of my writing here... so here
are all my obnoxious tags...
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() now i lay me down to sleep a child in bed in the dark looks at the door leading to the hallway, it is open slightly and she hopes her mom will come in to check on her. she looks at the door in the dark as she waits, listening for a sound in the hall, hearing only the faint sound of voices farther off somewhere in the house. in her mind's eye she makes up a fantasy of her mom coming to check on her, she imagines what she will say, and how she will smile and kiss her goodnight. she says her prayers silently, in her head, and then drifts back into fantasy, adding a different story, changing it to another, making up all kinds of possible realities. her eyes get tired and she closes them, but she is awake. the longer she waits, the more fervently she believes that it is the time, and surely her mom will come to check on her. with her eyes closed she bides her time with even more stories. at some point she realizes that a long time has passed and it is very late. she hasn't been able to fall asleep yet, and no one has come to check on her. no one ever does. the child, in a different room, a different bed, beside a window, stares out at the round white moon through the glass. it's a warm night and she pushes the blanket off her pajama sleeve and places her hand on the white wall beside her. she leans over and rests her cheek against the cool surface. she feels the wall with her palm, with her knuckles, then, making a fist, she lies there perfectly still for a long time. finally, in a silent sort of slow motion, she hits the wall with her knuckles, softly, secretly, feeling them bruise. the same child, a little older, says her prayers, still silently in her head, only now they are longer, more elaborate. she checks on her belongings which are hidden under the bed at her side, ready. the closet light is on and shines dimly in a stream into the room, but she doesn't need it, she is not afraid of the dark. she still makes up stories in her head, or sometimes she counts or says parts of her prayers over and over and over and over. the voices in the house are louder than before, she listens but cannot make out the words, only the tone, the decibel. there is a sudden loud noise like a piece of furniture being knocked over into a wall. she listens intently as the voices get louder. she is only able to make out a word here and there, but she can't seem to stop listening. the child is older now, not really a child anymore, as she comes up the dark driveway and lets herself quietly into the house with her keys. she locks the door behind her and slips into the livingroom, sitting down in the chair there, she lights one last cigarette for the night and sits smoking quietly in the dark. she listens to the soft snoring and breathing sounds coming from the couch and small bed nearby, where shadowy figures lie sleeping. putting out her cigarette, she gets a pillow and blanket from a cupboard in the hall and lies down on the hard floor. as soon as she closes her eyes the world starts spinning. she knows it will last a little while before it will stop and she will fall asleep too. a long time later, a woman sits on the edge of her bed. she takes a small tin from the bedside stand and opens it, removing a sharp razor knife. she opens it and looks at it, turning it over in her hands. taking out a cold alcohol wipe from a tiny packet she cleans the blade carefully and waits for it to dry. she pulls up her sleeve, exposing the inside of her left arm, where she slowly and silently slices first one, and then another shallow cut into her flesh. she pauses and watches the blood bead up in spots along the criss-cross cuts. without expression, she stares like a dead doll as she makes several more cuts, deeper this time. the blood wells up, rich, warm and alive, and drips down the length of her arm. the woman watches until the bleeding slows and stops, she watches until it dries there on her skin, she watches intently for a long time. she feels cold. cold but safe. she drops the tin with it's contents replaced back in the nightstand, and draws a blanket around her shoulders. the door is locked and the house is silent. she wraps her arms and the blanket around her self, feeling the bones in her arms, her elbows, her wrists, and her ribs. now she can sleep. she feels like she can sleep forever. bruised and bled standing paralyzed turned to glass silent invisible cold as death dry as raven's breath remote red rage rotting condemned for want of an ice pick blow direct to the heart or one well placed stranger by blind accident to stumble into you to send you tipping over backwards to leave you breaking to feed on sharp grateful tears of pain to rest in pieces bruised and bled the fall i could hear the fall coming as crows in the trees it tasted like nightmares and smoke on the breeze i could see it come toward me and beckon me in with sweet treats and tricks and a jack'o'lantern grin it was yellow and black it was blood red and brown as the leaves that lay piled up dead on the ground it took me off guard and it spun me around it showed me the right place to stand and look down as a calliope whined out it's last minor tune it pushed me and i saw the man in the moon it left everything broken my bones and my mind in a thousand small pieces too scattered to find and the only thing i recall thinking of then was of all the king's horses and all the king's men how sadly idiotic and twisted this season had swept in so deftly and stolen my reason no title autumn and you're far away sweet memories scared up by the rusty warm october wind kindle my love for you and are released to play in wild flying spirals with the leaves keys for unlocking there are all kinds of smiles and designs of cages, covers on books and the turning of pages, unwinding the heavens unspoken equations, poems from angels to stir up the stars, the masterful thumbprints of golddust, our hearts message snow angel whispers white to see a good child through the night in sacred flight i'll take your hand she hears the cries of those with secrets in their eyes to them she sings her saddest sweetest lullabies hide here perfect velvet wings of blue and gold the crumpled paperdoll soul she will there enfold feels not the cold listen it's ok, it's safe to sleep and play together we'll call smiles from far away and dream a way lost you're an idiot (you know that you are) say goodbye to the fool in the mirror she got swallowed whole swallowed down hard and deep into oblivion held in the starry arms of the milky way snowflake tears fall cold and silent without the warmth of a heartbeat mirror there are desolate places not faraway in the corner of your eye down a side road stuck in a crack behind a windowpane pale grey saturdays taken out looked at put away locked in the corners pounding in dusty darkness you've already forgotten if you dreamed me or if i dreamed you
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() well, i'm back, did you miss me? i'm afraid most of my blog vanished into the black hole of some unexplored area of cyberspace during the last forum update, so i'll catch you up to where i am right now... last s.i. was just last week...ug last drink was mid june sometime...got close last weekend... i'm still into poetry right now, listening to poe on disc, i recommend "closed on account of rabies" to any poe fans..this cd features cool readings by people like iggy pop, marianne faithful, and the best version i've heard of the raven by christopher walken...right now my favorite is ulalume... just got a really hard to find book of poetry on amazon.com by the new zealand author, janet frame..she is an agoraphobic woman who was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and spent time in locked wards where she wrote some of her poetry, one of my favorite films is about her life, it's called, "an angel at my table" - check it out sometime.. i also got a bunch more sylvia plath to ruminate over... i sold my house, and last night everyone seemed to show up for the inspection like it was girl's night or something, everyone invading my quiet little livingroom, the stillness of my sanctuary broken irreparably by loud talking and laughing... i felt like i should sell them all tupperware or something...it was positively surreal, and i was so freaked i sat there literally shaking, but the inspection went great, and everyone seemed to have a good time, and my husband promises to handle the "final walk-thru" while i hide with my kitties... now we just need to finalize things with the new house up in oregon so we can get away! i've been writing goodbye letters to my family members who don't speak to me, my family is completely fucked up, but i'm not going to send them, it's just closure for me, maybe i'll burn them or tear them up into pieces and drop them in the ocean, burn those old bridges down... it's so depressing... i'm doing a little better eating/not starving myself so i can manage this move without just fainting dead away in front of strangers... i was so self-conscious about my scars and cuts and bandaids last night with everyone here, usually i don't care that much, except for at the dr.'s, but i didn't want to answer any questions at all... well, i couldn't sleep at all last night hardly, i'm just all hypervigilant and feeling displaced, this isn't my house any more! i need asylum!! i go to see my therapist this evening... last time i about choked, started crying talking about my mom... oh yeah, the lady buying our house reminds me exactly of my mom! how bizarre... seeya, bren (gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell)
Entries on Monday 29th August 2005
![]() ![]() ![]() hi this is my first entry in my first blog, so bear with me 'cause i don't really know what i'm doing... today my issue is food/eating.. i don't want to. but a week or so ago i literally fainted or passed out in the shower and my husband had to come help me, and since then i've gone to the dr and gotten an ekg and lab tests and stuff. i have anemia, which i've had for a long time, still waiting on the other tests..anyway, i am supposed to be careful and drink lots of gatorade to keep my electrolytes in balance, keep myself from getting dehydrated, which happens to me alot, keep up my blood pressure.. i'm supposed to care and take care of myself, but if you only knew me, you'd know how hard that is to do, i have really low self-esteem in some ways, i know. i go to see a good therapist, who i've seen for years, but i think she's tired of dealing with me. therapy just always feels like the class that i never seem to be able to pass, you know? i don't think my weight's very low, it's been lower in years past, i was diagnosed with anorexia in 1999, when it was real low, but i still obsess about weight/food all the time. i have a journal/notebook i've written and stuck pictures in for a long time that i read over to keep myself on track, guess that's pretty unhealthy... it has good recipes and "safe food lists" and stuff, but also alot of ugly self talk/beating up that keeps me from eating, whatever. as far as s.i. - i have not cut since about 2 weeks ago, when i made a pretty bad carve up on my leg/hip where i thought i could hide it, even if i had to go to the dr. i am about dying for a drink as well, it has been like 2 months?? i thought i was quitting, but i think about that too much, too... i know it's just a matter of when and not if... it feels like it's right here by me.. well, i have literally zero friends, so anyone who wants to talk or anything feel free to email/pm me, visit my website and check out my secret galleries if you like, ***trigger***(warning: the secret galleries are generally quite triggering!) i have some poetry/prose posted in the s.i.a. forums, too (**SI ED SU**) i appreciate any feedback so be honest, well, bye bren ![]() |
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