|
Entries on Monday 13th March 2006
days no alcohol
- 168
days no s.i. - 52 for two days now i've been feeling well and healthy, i'm smiling and actually feel happy! when i am happy i like to listen to the squirrel nut zippers.. hot swing numbers, rhumbas and cool tangos... if you don't know them you should definitely give them a listen... bren 
p.s. cool kitty loves big daddy hamburger patty!!! hell/snz in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay people listen attentively.. i mean about future calamity i used to think the idea was obsolete until i heard the old man tapping his feet.. in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay this is a place where eternally fire is applied to the body, teeth are extruded and bones are ground and baked into cakes which are passed around... in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife.. now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay beauty, talent, fame, money, refinement, top skill and brain.. but all the things you try to hide will be revealed on the other side.. in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife (light the furnace!) now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay (yes! it is a surprise!) now the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N! lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame! the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N! lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame! blue angel/snz your mama never told you how you were supposed to treat a girl.. your papa never told you.. now you're all alone out in the world.. sirens are screaming, inside the winding sheets are pale.. devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel.. now i lay me down to sleep but troubled dreams are all i find.. i pray the lord my soul to keep, i pray so i won't lose my mind.. sirens are screaming.. on wings tonight i'll soon set sail devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel.. your mama's gonna take it hard.. you always were your mama's boy.. you're lying in a graveyard.. now you're not your mama's joy.. streetlights come streaming, i bat an eye and cast my spell.. devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel...
Entries on Thursday 9th March 2006
it's snowing
here in gumbyland!!!
Entries on Sunday 5th March 2006
days no alcohol
- 160
days no si - 44 killer headache yesterday into today... we walked for 3 & a half hours at the toy expo yesterday, that always seems to give me a bad headache later... i can't deny not eating/drinking was a factor again... my husband's friend came over to visit with his son, he has been dealing with a heart issue for years and it quite knowledgeable.. he said my heart is only pumping about half what it should and that the muscle lost from years of my ed is not something that i'll get back, what exercise i can do with the fatigue will only make my heart beat more... all i can do is focus on nutrition and take my vitamins and not overexert it.. or starve it... ug. i've probably knocked quite a few years off my life expectancy and am more subject to things like congestive heart problems in my 60's+ if i live that long... not things that mattered to a suicidal person who wanted out of life yesterday... but if i'm gonna stick around i don't want to feel so dreadful... why can't i just be thin and not sick?? anyway... i say i'm giving it a rest, but i know i never am... suffice it to say i'm at a healthier weight for now and every time i try to restrict i get really sick... no fun at all... at least my guys & kitties still love me... i'll cope as long as i still fit in all my favorite clothes... bren p.s. i'm depressed today.. i feel like a failed person in some basic way.. i failed to be what others wanted.. and life just crumpled me up and threw me away... from mr smith/plainclothes man you're everybody's second home always trying to get me alone an easy way to lose it all always there when all else fails over by the west side rails but i don't really need that now i never really did anyhow i only really needed alcohol something that'll treat me okay and wouldn't say the things you'd say please turn out the light i get a sick confusion headache trying to figure out who's right dreaming on the silver strand waking up to plainclothes man you little bastard, little boy in blue someone's gonna get to you and fuck up everything you do he's so unhappy inside he's serious with everyone and he thinks he'll win you with his angry kiss acting like he has no needs wanting you to watch him bleed made for each other bet you pay me any mind just goes to show my continual decline they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while but i don't know i don't think so... there's something that i'll tell you now now that no one else is around the sort of lesson that i learned from you not quite the way you planned but i know you'll understand someone takes a photograph a picture while their sweetheart laughs a perfect moment in a flash of light counting back from 3 to 1 that's exactly what you've done and i'm so unsurprised i remember, i remember why i dream in black & white goes to show my continual decline they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while but i don't know i don't think so i don't think so...
Entries on Saturday 25th February 2006
another lb
down.. only about 120-something more to go!
took a drive today.. lots of pretty ponies.. but more dead animals on the side of the road than i've ever seen before.. multiple raccoons and skunks, a squirrel, a cat, a rabbit and an entire deer, as well as some unidentifiable things... i'm not used to it.. i panic when i eat again.. i panic when i leave my kitties alone too long.. ever since one day when my husband forgot and left the front door unlocked and the wind blew it suddenly open and my little tabitha ran out into the freezing cold... i thank god i was there and we had not all gone for the day.. after that i worry when i'm not here with them.. i need some kind of kitty camera surveillance... the song in my head today is an old one from soundgarden- head down we see that smile we see that smile we see that smile on your face.. we hear you cry we hear you wail we see that smile on your face.. we see you laugh we see you dance we take that away every day.. we see you cry we turn your head then we slap your face.. bow down bow down bow down to live your life.. head down head down head down hide that smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. we see you try we see you fail some things never change.. we hear you cry we hear you wail still that smile on your face.. bow down bow down bow down to live your life.. head down head down head down hide that smile.. head high head high head high you've got to smile.. head high head high head high like a song you like...
Entries on Thursday 23rd February 2006
good news, i
lost another lb.
bad news, it doesn't matter.. today i stupidly tried to show my husband my blog and the s.i. forums i go to, and the friends & family area.. he is militantly anti-s.i. but it's even 'cause i'm militantly anti-moron... it turned into the big s.i. debate of 2006, with him standing there waving his arms making all his sarcastic exaggerations, spouting off about it being wrong and even making these bizarre parallels to murderers, playing devil's advocate and going to extremes as he does so well... making me feel like shit. later he told me how he "hates hates hates" my depression and how it does untold damage to him and my son.. (he has depression too, and a.d.d. and if anyone gets away with murder and an apology later.. it is him...) i have no reason to talk anymore.. i have no reason to be here anymore.. i know that fifty years ago it is people like him (and certain 'friends') that would have lobotomized a person such as me to get rid of the problem... p.s. oh.. but i get blue stars because i did not cut...
Entries on Wednesday 22nd February 2006
crash dieted
yesterday.. never even felt hungry.. but had to forcefeed myself
some kind of protein last night late anyway because i made
myself sick with old familiar symptoms... not fair...
heartache... (but i don't think this is physical) no life.. no life.. everything you need to keep it together.. to keep you off the street.. no life.. no life.. once i used to see a beautiful stranger walking next to me... (don't pick me up.. i'm fine right where i am...) -mr smith
Entries on Monday 20th February 2006
days no alcohol - 147 days no s.i. - 31 one of mine this time.. nowhere when you finally stop looking around and you're looking down looking down right into the ground.. when the change in your view dizzies you and you're past being through.. dark and hateful at the sound of dogs barking or laughter.. knowing it won't matter here or hereafter.. you've found nowhere you're not alone i'll see you there.. when the thing that did it to you that cut you in two and left you there is what you thought was love or hope or someone true.. do you just accept and say again, 'ok, i lose'? do you muster up a few more meaningless 'fuck-you's? count your tears and paint in blues? you've found nowhere you're not alone i'll see you there.. tired of wrestling demons in the night? wishing still that you could only close your eyes or be held tight.. but losing wrong from right? when you can see it all right in that spot of ground how can you ever turn around? a few more scars and bruises won't release you.. you know that no one sees you.. your pretty scribbled words won't get you anywhere.. you've found nowhere i'll see you there...
Entries on Thursday 16th February 2006
i've been
alternately panicking and sick...
i think it's like tension 'cause i feel like i can't unclench my hands at times.. doesn't help that this arctic freeze is coming.. wind here in the columbia river gorge will send it down to 20 below in the daytime due to the windchill... no shit.. i am just not used to this at all..... sweet though.. we were driving along the sandy river and came upon a little doe who had wandered out onto the side of the road.. we slowed down to see.. but she vanished back into the forest without a trace... makes me think of people out there who like to hunt such innocent creatures... (there should be an open season when people like me get to bring out our weapons and hunt you down...) note: sorry some of you with mozilla browsers can't view the goth show (link at top of 'cool links' page).. it won't see multimedia stuff 'cause it thinks it's a virus or something.. here is the latest addition to the gallery... (oh yeah...
etc..)returns installation details an excerpt from mr smith.. taking a fall took it like medicine.. horrible.. in a hurry lots of plans go awry.. nothing's wrong.. i won't worry but i rolled for a dollar on your advice and i lost you bad 'cause that's the luck of the dice taking a fall you don't know who to call well you don't know who, do you? taking a fall why do the neighbor's kids have to scream when they're playing? you know i never can understand what you're saying.. and you won't hear a word out of me 'cause i know how indifferent someone can be.. taking a fall well, there's someone to call.. but you don't know who, do you?
Entries on Wednesday 15th February 2006
this a.m.
everything is covered in frost and the cars were frozen
closed...
they are saying we could get snow here friday/saturday.... here we go again...  p.s. it's very lonely here...  mr smith for today: baby britain baby britain feels the best floating over a sea of vodka separated from the rest fights problems with bigger problems sees the ocean fall and rise counts the waves that somehow didn't hit her water pouring from her eyes alcoholic and very bitter for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start.. we knocked another couple back the dead soldiers lined up on the table still prepared for an attack they didn't know they'd been disabled felt a wave a rush of blood you won't be happy 'til the bottle's broken and you're out swimming in the flood you get back you get unspoken for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start.. you got a look in your eye when you're saying goodbye like you wanna say hi.. the light was on but it was dim the revolver's been turned over and now it's ready once again the radio was playing "crimson and clover" london bridge is safe and sound no matter what you keep repeating nothing's gonna drag me down to a death that's not worth cheating for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart and i can't help until you start for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art you put yourself apart...
Entries on Tuesday 14th February 2006
 i've
had such a migraine headache...i'm just sick from worry about everything... i don't even care anymore i just want to make it stop... today's es: pretty mary k pretty mary k walks along the dock with some sailor's pay shoved down in her sock pretty mary k with some little boy in blue who can't stay away from you pretty mary k took him back to town i'm down here by the bay where the water pounds up against the wall crying black and blue keeps me away from you pretty words that you whispered maybe i misunderstood somebody's not payin attention what they promise and their word isn't good oh mary k.. i can see your face down there in the waves.. painted and erased but i know it's just a reflection of the moon a big fake resembling you i'm gonna go down in the water fill my mouth up full of sand i'll be waiting still impatient with my dead imagination while you're with some other man pretty mary k is off in somebody's room i'm down here by the bay.. my arm around the moon but i'll be with you soon.. just as soon as i pay a walk 'cross the water with pretty mary k walk on water pretty mary k... (almost forgot.. started to say rode into the sun.. past everyone hallelujah.. pretty mary k i found faith in thee.. infirmary there's a soldier lying in bed with a wound to the head calling out to pretty mary k here's what you get for things that haven't happened yet.. happened upon pretty mary k but a soldier's uniform waved you away walked round the dock.. talked to st. james though i'm already done and asked everyone.. have you seen her? pretty mary k.. have you seen her? pretty mary k... )
Entries on Tuesday 7th February 2006
my
husband, the photographer, took these goth pix of me at a
cemetery we visited yesterday.. and added the effects... i made
it into a poem and turned it into a secret link on my website...
but you can go there by clicking here...
something secret... your daily e.s. ...excerpts... i can't answer you anymore something came from nothing today while i was saying no... don't you knock on my door 'cause i can't answer you anymore absence makes the heart grow fond staying away from people was a question before... but i can't answer you anymore.. skip to the scene where we meet and wrote a song.. i did everything right for somebody that does everything wrong.. so i go from coast to coast over the hawthorne bridge to the one i adore you ask me what i'm looking for but i can't answer you anymore no i can't answer you anymore... angel in the snow i'd say you make the perfect angel in the snow all crushed out in where you are better stop before it goes too far.. don't you know that i love you? sometimes i feel like only a cold still life.. only a frozen still life that fell down here to lay beside you... a living will time to kill, i wrote a living will and gave it to the man in the moon.. but i'm on a get well soon this happy face is watching me die.. elevate me to another world all that i can do in my own is leave well enough alone leave well enough alone.. circumstance dropped by uninvited and demand to be fed but i'd already gone to bed there's nothing you can see from inside my spirit arose and put on my clothes and helped me disconnecting the phone to leave well enough alone leave well enough alone...
Entries on Saturday 4th February 2006
days without alcohol - 131 days without si - 15 today i am positively undepressed! ..although still insecure about my husband's extended vacation (still looking for that job..) i don't know if unemployment agrees with him or what.. but for the second time recently he has woke me up in the a.m. and basically ravaged me right in front of the french doors in my room where neighbors could have us arrested, and then been so complimentary and asked me so nicely to not get any 'skinnier' and not weigh myself... then today he took me straight out to get 'cinni-minis' (the kind at bk that you dunk in icing.. they are glorious..) !!! i am surely crossing over to the dark side... we went down to hawthorne blvd. which we like because it's like a popular hippie hangout with eclectic shops and cafes and such, and we found cool toys and comics! him a robot and me a bunch of cool little things, including a glow in the dark skeleton, halloween cards, vintage twilight zone comics and gumby stuff!! guilty pleasures.... yeah, i know it's exactly what we should not be doing right now, huh? well.. it was worth it though.. and we got my son's report card.. all a's, b's & c's, we are very pleased... all very nice teacher comments, too... maybe i should not worry so much about being that thin at this time, given everything? i've decided to try to be happy as long as i fit in all my favorite clothes, and try to relax and enjoy going out and stuff with my guys as much as i can.... bren here's a little excerpt from abused/e.s. for today... now that everybody's worn the expression not that you wanted to use ..it seems untrue now but the funniest thing is it fits you to a perfect t.. you may never understand this affliction although you feel the effect you feel bruised now body and mind, you feel used now almost all of the time.. you've been abused.. abused.. abused.. abused.. how does everyone know? didn't want it to show... p.s. this evening i skimmed through 'big nothing'.. the book written about elliott smith after his death.. i read it a couple years ago... knew he wrote much of his music here in portland where he's from, many familiar street names in his songs, etc... anyway, i just found out he lived right off of hawthorne blvd. that i mentioned above.. and hung out in the very coffee shops and music places we've already come to love... 
Entries on Saturday 28th January 2006
yeah.. depressed
again...
here's your daily e.s. ... splitzville splitzville quitsville you wanna go to splitzville? i got a full tank, let's ride and my, my, my, my, my, my, my splitzville i know the way and i'll end up there one day in splitzville on a natural high my, my, my, my, my, my, my be beautiful, never cry splitzville you don't need a name everybody there behaves the same you're not the only one who didn't sleep last night my, my, my, my, my, my, my feel a-okay, quite alright is there something you've got waiting? something you want too much? hurry up now, you'll miss your bus to splitzville and end up right back here just dreaming about splitzville splitzville splitzville don't dream of death in the other world there's no diet bars and no pretty girls no pusher man to fuck up your mind my, my, my, my, my, my, my you feel a-okay all the time something you've got waiting? something you want too much.. hurry up now, you'll miss your bus to splitzville and end up right back here... 
Entries on Wednesday 25th January 2006
days no alcohol
- 121
days no s.i. - 5 it's raining again......... i've been adding/updating gumbyland... there is now a little blue star on my 'cool links' page that will take you to 'papercuts/collected poetry & short stories by snowballinhell'... there are 17 poems, some of which i've posted around.. and 2 (very) short stories... i even dug up some old stuff i wrote back when i was young... i hated them then, but now i kinda like 'em... let me know what you think... in the second secret gallery hallway.. about halfway through.. i added my dreamcatcher/dreamkeeper, which is a book i did of collected dreams & symbols.. illustrated with my artwork... not the entire thing 'cause it's way too long.. but excerpts which you can view by clicking for the details... plus there's a new fun 'mini gallery' now on the fun links page... and a new installation at the end of the gallery & new music on details pages.. including 'mad world' and mr smith! gumbyland just keeps growing! i like it there... bren from my favorite poet: going nowhere/e. smith he waved hello silent like a mime meaning there's no changing my mind i won't walk the stairs with you tonight going nowhere.. the clock moved a quarter of a turn the time it took her cigarette to burn she said you got a lot of things to learn going nowhere.. saw you move a certain way missed you a lot returned to this abandoned place shoulda been forgot echoes drown the conversation out echoes that only seem to bring about a silent expression easily read aloud going nowhere.. the steps made a pattern i'd never seen i felt like a kid of six or seventeen i was off in some empty day dream going nowhere.. it's dead and gone matter of fact it may be for the best you said some things you can't take back honestly i guess the old records are sitting on the floor the ones i can't put on anymore he walked over to her like before going nowhere going nowhere going nowhere... i didn't understand/e. smith thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love and then ignore, put out and put away.. and so you'd soon be leaving me alone like i'm supposed to be tonight, tomorrow and everyday.. there's nothing here that you'll miss i can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke trying to occupy space what a fucking joke what a fucking joke.. i waited for a bus to separate the both of us and take me off far away from you 'cos my feelings never change a bit i always feel like shit i don't know why.. i guess that i just do.. you once talked to me about love and you painted pictures of a never-neverland and i could've gone to that place but i didn't understand i didn't understand i didn't understand...
Entries on Saturday 21st January 2006
days without alcohol - 117! (i tallied it up...) days without s.i. - 1 (oh well...) i had a much better day today... check this out... STONEHENGE... |
|
|
Mar 13 2006, 01:15 PM
Licensed to: Amber Jerome, SIA Administrator
| 
along with some of my son's artwork...
unbelieveable... he was a good friend for years, such a bizarre
thing to have happen...
wondering since i'm quitting anyway
(cheers?)
i guess that's the eternal question?
yeah, we're beatniks...
