Entries on Monday 13th March 2006

entry Mar 13 2006, 01:15 PM
days no alcohol - 168
days no s.i. - 52

for two days now i've been feeling well and healthy, i'm smiling and actually feel happy! when i am happy i like to listen to the squirrel nut zippers.. hot swing numbers, rhumbas and cool tangos...
if you don't know them you should definitely give them a listen...

p.s. cool kitty loves big daddy hamburger patty!!!


in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife..
now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
people listen attentively.. i mean about future calamity
i used to think the idea was obsolete
until i heard the old man tapping his feet..

in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife..
now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
this is a place where eternally fire is applied to the body,
teeth are extruded and bones are ground and baked into cakes
which are passed around...

in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife..
now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
beauty, talent, fame, money, refinement, top skill and brain..
but all the things you try to hide will be revealed on the other side..

in the afterlife you could be headed for the serious strife (light the furnace!)
now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow there'll be hell to pay
(yes! it is a surprise!)

now the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N!
lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame!
the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I O N!
lose your face, lose your name, then get ready for a total flame!

blue angel/snz

your mama never told you how you were supposed to treat a girl..
your papa never told you.. now you're all alone out in the world..
sirens are screaming, inside the winding sheets are pale..
devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel..

now i lay me down to sleep but troubled dreams are all i find..
i pray the lord my soul to keep, i pray so i won't lose my mind..
sirens are screaming.. on wings tonight i'll soon set sail
devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel..

your mama's gonna take it hard.. you always were your mama's boy..
you're lying in a graveyard.. now you're not your mama's joy..
streetlights come streaming, i bat an eye and cast my spell..
devils are dreaming.. dreaming of a blue angel...

Entries on Thursday 9th March 2006

entry Mar 9 2006, 11:03 AM
it's snowing here in gumbyland!!!

Entries on Sunday 5th March 2006

entry Mar 5 2006, 11:39 AM
days no alcohol - 160
days no si - 44

killer headache yesterday into today...
we walked for 3 & a half hours at the toy expo yesterday, that always seems to give me a bad headache later... i can't deny not eating/drinking was a factor again...
my husband's friend came over to visit with his son, he has been dealing with a heart issue for years and it quite knowledgeable.. he said my heart is only pumping about half what it should and that the muscle lost from years of my ed is not something that i'll get back, what exercise i can do with the fatigue will only make my heart beat more... all i can do is focus on nutrition and take my vitamins and not overexert it.. or starve it... ug.
i've probably knocked quite a few years off my life expectancy and am more subject to things like congestive heart problems in my 60's+ if i live that long...
not things that mattered to a suicidal person who wanted out of life yesterday...
but if i'm gonna stick around i don't want to feel so dreadful...
why can't i just be thin and not sick??
anyway... i say i'm giving it a rest, but i know i never am...
suffice it to say i'm at a healthier weight for now and every time i try to restrict i get really sick...
no fun at all...
at least my guys & kitties still love me...
i'll cope as long as i still fit in all my favorite clothes...

p.s. i'm depressed today.. i feel like a failed person in some basic way.. i failed to be what others wanted.. and life just crumpled me up and threw me away...

from mr smith/plainclothes man

you're everybody's second home
always trying to get me alone
an easy way to lose it all
always there when all else fails
over by the west side rails

but i don't really need that now
i never really did anyhow
i only really needed alcohol
something that'll treat me okay
and wouldn't say the things you'd say

please turn out the light
i get a sick confusion headache
trying to figure out who's right

dreaming on the silver strand
waking up to plainclothes man
you little bastard, little boy in blue
someone's gonna get to you
and fuck up everything you do

he's so unhappy inside
he's serious with everyone
and he thinks he'll win you with his angry kiss
acting like he has no needs
wanting you to watch him bleed

made for each other bet you pay me any mind
just goes to show my continual decline
they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while
but i don't know
i don't think so...

there's something that i'll tell you now
now that no one else is around
the sort of lesson that i learned from you
not quite the way you planned
but i know you'll understand

someone takes a photograph
a picture while their sweetheart laughs
a perfect moment in a flash of light
counting back from 3 to 1
that's exactly what you've done

and i'm so unsurprised
i remember, i remember why
i dream in black & white

goes to show my continual decline
they say that i'll recover my love of her once in a while
but i don't know
i don't think so
i don't think so...

Entries on Saturday 25th February 2006

entry Feb 25 2006, 03:34 PM
another lb down.. only about 120-something more to go!

took a drive today.. lots of pretty ponies..
but more dead animals on the side of the road than i've ever seen before..
multiple raccoons and skunks, a squirrel, a cat, a rabbit and an entire deer, as well as some unidentifiable things... i'm not used to it..

i panic when i eat again.. i panic when i leave my kitties alone too long.. ever since one day when my husband forgot and left the front door unlocked and the wind blew it suddenly open and my little tabitha ran out into the freezing cold... i thank god i was there and we had not all gone for the day.. after that i worry when i'm not here with them.. i need some kind of kitty camera surveillance...

the song in my head today is an old one from soundgarden-

head down

we see that smile
we see that smile
we see that smile on your face..

we hear you cry
we hear you wail
we see that smile on your face..

we see you laugh
we see you dance
we take that away every day..

we see you cry
we turn your head
then we slap your face..

bow down
bow down
bow down
to live your life..

head down
head down
head down
hide that smile..

head high
head high
head high
you've got to smile..

head high
head high
head high
you've got to smile..

we see you try
we see you fail
some things never change..

we hear you cry
we hear you wail
still that smile on your face..

bow down
bow down
bow down
to live your life..

head down
head down
head down
hide that smile..

head high
head high
head high
you've got to smile..

head high
head high
head high
like a song you like...

Entries on Thursday 23rd February 2006

entry Feb 23 2006, 04:22 PM
good news, i lost another lb.
bad news, it doesn't matter..
today i stupidly tried to show my husband my blog and the s.i. forums i go to, and the friends & family area..
he is militantly anti-s.i. but it's even 'cause i'm militantly anti-moron...
it turned into the big s.i. debate of 2006, with him standing there waving his arms making all his sarcastic exaggerations, spouting off about it being wrong and even making these bizarre parallels to murderers, playing devil's advocate and going to extremes as he does so well... making me feel like shit.
later he told me how he "hates hates hates" my depression and how it does untold damage to him and my son.. (he has depression too, and a.d.d. and if anyone gets away with murder and an apology later.. it is him...)

i have no reason to talk anymore..
i have no reason to be here anymore..
i know that fifty years ago it is people like him (and certain 'friends') that would have lobotomized a person such as me to get rid of the problem...

p.s. oh.. but i get blue stars because i did not cut...

Entries on Wednesday 22nd February 2006

entry Feb 22 2006, 01:24 PM
crash dieted yesterday.. never even felt hungry.. but had to forcefeed myself some kind of protein last night late anyway because i made myself sick with old familiar symptoms... not fair...
heartache... (but i don't think this is physical)

no life..
no life..
everything you need
to keep it together..
to keep you off the street..
no life..
no life..
once i used to see
a beautiful stranger
walking next to me...

(don't pick me up..
i'm fine right where i am...)
-mr smith

Entries on Monday 20th February 2006

entry Feb 20 2006, 04:49 PM
su.gif si.gif

days no alcohol - 147
days no s.i. - 31

one of mine this time..


when you finally stop looking around
and you're looking down
looking down right into the ground..
when the change in your view
dizzies you
and you're past being through..
dark and hateful at the sound
of dogs barking or laughter..
knowing it won't matter here
or hereafter..
you've found nowhere
you're not alone
i'll see you there..

when the thing that did it to you
that cut you in two
and left you there
is what you thought was love or hope
or someone true..
do you just accept and say again, 'ok, i lose'?
do you muster up a few more
meaningless 'fuck-you's?
count your tears and paint in blues?
you've found nowhere
you're not alone
i'll see you there..

tired of wrestling demons in the night?
wishing still that you could only
close your eyes or be held tight..
but losing wrong from right?
when you can see it all
right in that spot of ground
how can you ever turn around?
a few more scars and bruises won't release you..
you know that no one sees you..
your pretty scribbled words won't get you
you've found nowhere
i'll see you there...

Entries on Thursday 16th February 2006

entry Feb 16 2006, 12:20 PM
i've been alternately panicking and sick...
i think it's like tension 'cause i feel like i can't unclench my hands at times..
doesn't help that this arctic freeze is coming..
wind here in the columbia river gorge will send it down to 20 below in the daytime due to the windchill... no shit.. i am just not used to this at all.....

sweet though.. we were driving along the sandy river and came upon a little doe who had wandered out onto the side of the road.. we slowed down to see.. but she vanished back into the forest without a trace...
makes me think of people out there who like to hunt such innocent creatures... (there should be an open season when people like me get to bring out our weapons and hunt you down...)

note: sorry some of you with mozilla browsers can't view the goth show (link at top of 'cool links' page).. it won't see multimedia stuff 'cause it thinks it's a virus or something..

here is the latest addition to the gallery...

(oh yeah... si.gif su.gif ac.gif lang.gif trig.gif etc..)

returns installation details

an excerpt from mr smith.. taking a fall

took it like medicine.. horrible.. in a hurry
lots of plans go awry.. nothing's wrong.. i won't worry
but i rolled for a dollar on your advice
and i lost you bad 'cause that's the luck of the dice
taking a fall
you don't know who to call
well you don't know who, do you?
taking a fall

why do the neighbor's kids have to scream when they're playing?
you know i never can understand what you're saying..
and you won't hear a word out of me
'cause i know how indifferent someone can be..
taking a fall
well, there's someone to call..
but you don't know who, do you?

Entries on Wednesday 15th February 2006

entry Feb 15 2006, 11:15 AM
this a.m. everything is covered in frost and the cars were frozen closed...
they are saying we could get snow here friday/saturday.... here we go again...

user posted image

p.s. it's very lonely here...
user posted image

mr smith for today:

baby britain

baby britain feels the best
floating over a sea of vodka
separated from the rest
fights problems with bigger problems
sees the ocean fall and rise
counts the waves that somehow didn't hit her
water pouring from her eyes
alcoholic and very bitter
for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art
you put yourself apart
and i can't help until you start..

we knocked another couple back
the dead soldiers lined up on the table
still prepared for an attack
they didn't know they'd been disabled
felt a wave a rush of blood
you won't be happy 'til the bottle's broken
and you're out swimming in the flood
you get back you get unspoken
for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art
you put yourself apart
and i can't help until you start..

you got a look in your eye
when you're saying goodbye
like you wanna say hi..

the light was on but it was dim
the revolver's been turned over
and now it's ready once again
the radio was playing "crimson and clover"
london bridge is safe and sound
no matter what you keep repeating
nothing's gonna drag me down
to a death that's not worth cheating
for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art
you put yourself apart
and i can't help until you start
for someone half as smart you'd be a work of art
you put yourself apart...

Entries on Tuesday 14th February 2006

entry Feb 14 2006, 07:43 PM
user posted imagei've had such a migraine headache...
i'm just sick from worry about everything...
i don't even care anymore i just want to make it stop...

today's es: pretty mary k

pretty mary k walks along the dock
with some sailor's pay shoved down in her sock
pretty mary k with some little boy in blue
who can't stay away from you
pretty mary k took him back to town
i'm down here by the bay where the water pounds
up against the wall crying black and blue
keeps me away from you

pretty words that you whispered
maybe i misunderstood
somebody's not payin attention
what they promise and their word isn't good

oh mary k.. i can see your face
down there in the waves.. painted and erased
but i know it's just a reflection of the moon
a big fake resembling you
i'm gonna go down in the water
fill my mouth up full of sand
i'll be waiting still impatient
with my dead imagination while you're with some other man

pretty mary k is off in somebody's room
i'm down here by the bay.. my arm around the moon
but i'll be with you soon.. just as soon as i pay
a walk 'cross the water with pretty mary k
walk on water pretty mary k...

(almost forgot.. started to say
rode into the sun.. past everyone
hallelujah.. pretty mary k
i found faith in thee.. infirmary
there's a soldier lying in bed
with a wound to the head
calling out to pretty mary k
here's what you get for things that haven't happened yet..
happened upon pretty mary k
but a soldier's uniform waved you away
walked round the dock.. talked to st. james
though i'm already done
and asked everyone..
have you seen her? pretty mary k..
have you seen her? pretty mary k... )

Entries on Tuesday 7th February 2006

entry Feb 7 2006, 11:33 PM
my husband, the photographer, took these goth pix of me at a cemetery we visited yesterday.. and added the effects... i made it into a poem and turned it into a secret link on my website... but you can go there by clicking here...

something secret...

your daily e.s. ...excerpts...

i can't answer you anymore

something came from nothing today
while i was saying no...
don't you knock on my door
'cause i can't answer you anymore
absence makes the heart grow fond
staying away from people was a question before...
but i can't answer you anymore..
skip to the scene where we meet and wrote a song..
i did everything right for somebody that does everything wrong..
so i go from coast to coast over the hawthorne bridge
to the one i adore
you ask me what i'm looking for
but i can't answer you anymore
no i can't answer you anymore...

angel in the snow

i'd say you make the perfect angel in the snow
all crushed out in where you are
better stop before it goes too far..
don't you know that i love you?
sometimes i feel like only a cold still life..
only a frozen still life
that fell down here to lay beside you...

a living will

time to kill, i wrote a living will
and gave it to the man in the moon..
but i'm on a get well soon
this happy face is watching me die..
elevate me to another world
all that i can do in my own is leave well enough alone
leave well enough alone..
circumstance dropped by uninvited and demand to be fed
but i'd already gone to bed
there's nothing you can see from inside
my spirit arose and put on my clothes
and helped me disconnecting the phone
to leave well enough alone
leave well enough alone...

Entries on Saturday 4th February 2006

entry Feb 4 2006, 07:24 PM

days without alcohol - 131
days without si - 15

today i am positively undepressed!
..although still insecure about my husband's extended vacation (still looking for that job..)
i don't know if unemployment agrees with him or what.. but for the second time recently he has woke me up in the a.m. and basically ravaged me right in front of the french doors in my room where neighbors could have us arrested, and then been so complimentary and asked me so nicely to not get any 'skinnier' and not weigh myself... then today he took me straight out to get 'cinni-minis' (the kind at bk that you dunk in icing.. they are glorious..) !!!
i am surely crossing over to the dark side...
we went down to hawthorne blvd. which we like because it's like a popular hippie hangout with eclectic shops and cafes and such, and we found cool toys and comics! him a robot and me a bunch of cool little things, including a glow in the dark skeleton, halloween cards, vintage twilight zone comics and gumby stuff!!
guilty pleasures.... yeah, i know it's exactly what we should not be doing right now, huh?
well.. it was worth it though.. and we got my son's report card.. all a's, b's & c's, we are very pleased... all very nice teacher comments, too...
maybe i should not worry so much about being that thin at this time, given everything? i've decided to try to be happy as long as i fit in all my favorite clothes, and try to relax and enjoy going out and stuff with my guys as much as i can....

here's a little excerpt from abused/e.s. for today...

now that everybody's worn the expression
not that you wanted to use
..it seems untrue now
but the funniest thing is it fits you to a perfect t..
you may never understand this affliction
although you feel the effect
you feel bruised now
body and mind, you feel used now
almost all of the time..
you've been abused.. abused.. abused.. abused..
how does everyone know?
didn't want it to show...

p.s. this evening i skimmed through 'big nothing'.. the book written about elliott smith after his death.. i read it a couple years ago... knew he wrote much of his music here in portland where he's from, many familiar street names in his songs, etc... anyway, i just found out he lived right off of hawthorne blvd. that i mentioned above.. and hung out in the very coffee shops and music places we've already come to love... closedeyes.gif

Entries on Saturday 28th January 2006

entry Jan 28 2006, 02:49 PM
yeah.. depressed again...
here's your daily e.s. ...


you wanna go to splitzville?
i got a full tank, let's ride
and my, my, my, my, my, my, my
i know the way
and i'll end up there one day in splitzville
on a natural high
my, my, my, my, my, my, my
be beautiful, never cry
you don't need a name
everybody there behaves the same
you're not the only one who didn't sleep last night
my, my, my, my, my, my, my
feel a-okay, quite alright
is there something you've got waiting?
something you want too much?
hurry up now, you'll miss your bus
to splitzville
and end up right back here
just dreaming
about splitzville
splitzville splitzville
don't dream of death
in the other world
there's no diet bars and no pretty girls
no pusher man to fuck up your mind
my, my, my, my, my, my, my
you feel a-okay all the time
something you've got waiting?
something you want too much..
hurry up now, you'll miss your bus
to splitzville
and end up right back here...

user posted image

Entries on Wednesday 25th January 2006

entry Jan 25 2006, 08:34 PM
days no alcohol - 121
days no s.i. - 5

it's raining again.........
i've been adding/updating gumbyland...
there is now a little blue star on my 'cool links' page that will take you to 'papercuts/collected poetry & short stories by snowballinhell'... there are 17 poems, some of which i've posted around.. and 2 (very) short stories...
i even dug up some old stuff i wrote back when i was young... i hated them then, but now i kinda like 'em... let me know what you think...
in the second secret gallery hallway.. about halfway through.. i added my dreamcatcher/dreamkeeper, which is a book i did of collected dreams & symbols.. illustrated with my artwork... not the entire thing 'cause it's way too long.. but excerpts which you can view by clicking for the details...
plus there's a new fun 'mini gallery' now on the fun links page...
and a new installation at the end of the gallery & new music on details pages.. including 'mad world' and mr smith!
gumbyland just keeps growing! i like it there...

from my favorite poet:
going nowhere/e. smith

he waved hello silent like a mime
meaning there's no changing my mind
i won't walk the stairs with you tonight
going nowhere..
the clock moved a quarter of a turn
the time it took her cigarette to burn
she said you got a lot of things to learn
going nowhere..

saw you move a certain way
missed you a lot
returned to this abandoned place
shoulda been forgot
echoes drown the conversation out
echoes that only seem to bring about
a silent expression
easily read aloud
going nowhere..

the steps made a pattern
i'd never seen
i felt like a kid of six or seventeen
i was off in some empty day dream
going nowhere..
it's dead and gone matter of fact
it may be for the best
you said some things you can't take back
honestly i guess

the old records
are sitting on the floor
the ones i can't
put on anymore
he walked over to her like before
going nowhere
going nowhere
going nowhere...

i didn't understand/e. smith

thought you'd be looking
for the next in line to love
and then ignore, put out and put away..
and so you'd soon be leaving me
alone like i'm supposed to be tonight,
tomorrow and everyday..
there's nothing here that you'll miss
i can guarantee you this is a cloud of smoke
trying to occupy space
what a fucking joke
what a fucking joke..
i waited for a bus to separate the both of us
and take me off far away from you
'cos my feelings never change a bit
i always feel like shit
i don't know why.. i guess that i just do..
you once talked to me about love
and you painted pictures of
a never-neverland
and i could've gone to that place
but i didn't understand
i didn't understand
i didn't understand...

Entries on Saturday 21st January 2006

entry Jan 21 2006, 09:03 PM

days without alcohol - 117! (i tallied it up...)
days without s.i. - 1 (oh well...)

i had a much better day today...
check this out...


American Mcgee's Alice...
she looks kinda familiar?...

me & sleepy little miette...
Snowball In Hell...
user posted image
i met a girl.. a snowball in hell...
she was hard.. and as cracked as the liberty bell...
i got her to come on and move in with me..
and i said i'd find a better place we could spend eternity..
don't go down...
stay with me.. baby stay...
down go down...
stay with me.. baby.. stay.


Look, Gumby...
it's snowing!!

Look Into Your Heart...

oh yeah...
fuck you!
Me & Sabrina Felina...
she smells like popcorn with butter (really, she does)...
i like to dance with her, but she has to be in the mood..

Go Ask Alice When She's Ten Feet Tall...

user posted image

this alice is my other self,
she is lurking behind me...
4 & 20 Black Birds...
user posted image
sing a song of sixpence a pocketful of rye..
4 & 20 blackbirds baked in a pie..
when the pie was opened the birds begin to sing...
wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?

in my painting 4 & 20 blackbirds come tearing out of flesh.. not a pie..
and sing a silent song all their own... can you hear them singing too???


Elliott Smith 1969-2003
user posted image

get lost

i've been outside invited in, but i couldn't abide witness again
i'm burning every bridge that i cross to find some beautiful place to get lost
to find some beautiful place to get lost

i had true love, i made it die, i pushed it away, she said please stay
but i'll burn every bridge that i cross and find some beautiful place to get lost
and find some beautiful place to get lost

i don't know where i'll go now, and i don't really care who follows me there
but i'll burn every bridge that i cross to find some beautiful place to get lost
to find some beautiful place to get lost...

strung out again

you get what you see, i saw a rich fuck giving charity
saw an evil emporer wearing my clothes
they're far from the best, but they might suit you better than the rest
just looking in the mirror will make you a brave man
i know my place, hate my face
i know how i begin and how i'll end... strung out again

was a parliament of owls flying over a city of canals
floating on the bodies, floating in the downs
you get what you see, but some things they just change invisibly
i never knew where i was going, i don't even want to know
i know my place, hate my face
i know how i begin and how i'll end... strung out again
standing smiling on some fantasy island looking at my lost reflection of youth
and the tide's coming in, and i'm strung out again
strung out again...

last hour

here's the army that you mowed to the ground and the bodies you left lying around
talking it out the last hour
i'm through trying now, it's a big relief
i'll be staying down where no one else's gonna give me grief
mess me around, just make it over

your opinion was the law of the land the single thing that i could always understand
i lived it out from hour to hour, the only thing that never really changed
you bend me all around and dragged me down at the end of the day
don't keep me around.. make it over

i've been thinking of the things that i missed, situations that i passed up for this
one way thought i took for hours
i'm through trying now, it's a big relief
i'll be staying down
i wasn't good at being a thief, more like a clown
just make it over...

between the bars

drink up baby, stay up all night
with the things you could do... you won't, but you might
the potential you'll be that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make

drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days
do what i say and i'll make you ok, drive them away
the images stuck in your head
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
they push and shove but won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still

drink up baby, look at the stars
i'll kiss you again between the bars
where i'm seeing you, there with your hands in the air
waiting to finally be caught

drink up one more time and i'll make you mine
keep you apart, deep in my heart
separate from the rest where i like you the best
and keep things you forgot
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
they'll push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still...

memory lane

this is the place you end up when you lose the chase
when you're dragged against your will from a basement on the hill
and all anybody knows is you're not like them, so they kick you in the head
and send you back to bed
isolation pulled you past a tunnel to a bright world
where you can make a place to stay
but everybody's scared of this place and staying away
your little house on memory lane

the mayor's name is fear, his force patrols the pier
from a mountain of cliche that advances every day
the doctor spoke a cloud, he rained out loud
you'll keep your doors and windows shut and swear you'll never show a soul again
but isolation pushes you till every muscle aches down the only road it ever takes
and everybody's scared of this place and staying away
your little house on memory lane
if it's your decision to be open about yourself
be careful or else
be careful or else

uncomfortable apart, it's all written on my chart
and i take what's given me most cooperatively
i do what people say and lie in bed all day
absolutely horrified, i hope you're satisfied
isolation pushes past self hatred, guilt and shame
to a place where suffering is just a game
and everybody's scared of this place and staying away
your little house on memory lane
your little house on memory lane...

a fond farewell

the lite brite's now black and white
because you took apart a picture that wasn't right
pitch burning on a shining sheet, the only maker that you want to meet
a dying man in a living room whose shadow paces the floor
who'll take you out any open door
this is not my life, it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like, it's just a fond farewell to a friend
who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend

you said really i just want to dance
good and evil match perfect, it's a great romance
i can deal with some psychic pain if it'll slow down my higher brain
veins full of disappearing ink, vomiting in the kitchen sink
disconnecting from the missing link
this is not my life, it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like, it's just a fond farewell to a friend
who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend

i see you're leaving me and taking up with the enemy
the cold comfort of the in between
a little less than a human being, a little less than a happy high
a little less than a suicide
the only things that you really tried
this is not my life, it's just a fond farewell to a friend
it's not what i'm like
it's just a fond farewell to a friend who couldn't get things right
a fond farewell to a friend...

Domokun Want Tv!


            Here Kitty...
user posted image

Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten...
user posted image

Please, Think Of The Kittens...

If You've Got A Heart...
then gumby's a part of you...

Me In An Authentic Mad Hatter Hat...
because i am authentically mad

user posted image


Entries on Thursday 19th January 2006

entry Jan 19 2006, 04:14 PM
nevermind trying to wait till my tetanus booster..
i already fucked up.. i'll never stop cutting.
there is no good way out of this mess...

Entries on Tuesday 17th January 2006

entry Jan 17 2006, 05:51 PM
my head aches and my life is seriously unfun..
i think i've crossed over to the dark side..
nothing else to say...

here's another elliott smith song:

everybody cares, everybody understands
yes everybody cares about you
yeah and whether or not you want them to
it's a chemical embrace that kicks you in the head
to a pure synthetic sympathy that infuriates you totally
and a quiet lie that makes you wanna scream and shout

so here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining it's guiding light upon everyone
for a moment's rest you can lean against the banister..
after running upstairs again and again from wherever they came to fix you in
but always fear city's finest follow right behind
you got a pretty vision in your head
a pencil full of poison lead
and a sickened smile illegal in every town..

so here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining its guiding light upon everyone
here i lay dreaming looking at the brilliant sun
raining its guiding light upon everyone

you say you mean well.. you don't know what you mean
you fucking ought to stay the hell away from things you know
nothing about.

Entries on Wednesday 11th January 2006

entry Jan 11 2006, 02:15 PM
it's rained for the last 25 days here in portland...
tomorrow is our 19th anniversary.. we don't know if we'll do anything since i'm having another headache... i have this forever headache...
i'm just happy that he remembered this time...
i always feel like i'm just about to cry..
and i keep telling myself it's better than the times i go along detached and disconnected...
i'm now really overdue for my tetanus booster so i'm going to try not to s.i. till i have health insurance..
wish me luck 'cause i'll need it...


the enemy is you / elliott smith

you got your head turned 'round
walking upside down
through the sunken dream
through the crushing crowd
you don't know what it means
'cause you're a broken machine
you won't lisp it out..

you're dressing up your man
it's all second hand
it's all hindsight
you don't understand
it's just an empty scene
it's still an empty scheme
you wanna block it out
but i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna make it go away..

when you go walking out in
the rose city
without a fucking clue
with an attitude
knowing what you need
what you will not do
the enemy is you..

you beat up on yourself
'cause there ain't no one else
who feels quite as good
to put straight through hell
you know yourself well
you know what you're about
just wanna block it out
well, i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna hide my face away
block it out..

well, i know what i'm gonna do
with this big doubt
i'm gonna make it go away...

Entries on Monday 9th January 2006

entry Jan 9 2006, 11:59 AM
i've had some bad days.. and now some good days..
yesterday we drove into washington in the rain..
then we rode on the old carousel at jantzen beach.. it was built in 1921..
we like to 'collect' carousels on video..
we have a bunch from california.. new ones to find here..
my favorite carousel will always be the old one at knott's berry farm..
it has rabbits, pigs, ostriches, bears, lions, chickens.. all kinds of odd creatures to ride on.. and i remember it well from childhood..
then back home i started looking up elliott smith stuff and i found this incredible site with all of the rare/unreleased songs i've been searching for for years now!
demos and alternative versions, all this amazing stuff..
i'm so happy...
hope it lasts...........

miss misery/elliott smith

i’ll fake it through the day
with some help from johnny walker red
send the poison rain down the drain
to put bad thoughts in my head..
two tickets torn in half
and a lot of nothing to do
do you miss me, miss misery?
like you say you do?

a man in the park
read the lines in my hand
told me i’m strong
hardly ever wrong..
i said man you mean..

you had plans for both of us
that involved a trip out of town
to a place i've seen in a magazine
that you left lying around
i don’t have you with me but
i keep a good attitude
do you miss me, miss misery?
like you say you do?

i know you’d rather see me gone
than to see me the way that i am
but i am in the life anyway

next door the tv’s flashing
blue frames on the wall
it’s a comedy of errors.. you see
it’s about taking a fall..
to vanish into oblivion
is easy to do
and i try to be
but you know me
i come back when you want me to..
do you miss me miss misery?
like you say you do?

Entries on Monday 2nd January 2006

entry Jan 2 2006, 02:59 AM
i got a letter from my mom
it meant the world to me..
i know i'll never be a well person
i'm less terrified than i was
because if this whole venture turns out badly
i'm getting out of this for good
i've made the best decisions i could..
everything feels completely unreal
like if i just stepped off to one side
that this whole busy drama of my life would be
just a little footnote
and maybe i'd find where it is i really went to..?
for now i just keep my eyes closed..

/////>>>your daily radiohead.. creep<<<\\\\\\

when you were here before
i couldn't look you in the eye
you're just like an angel
your skin makes me cry
you float like a feather
in a beautiful world
you're so very special
i wish i was special..
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here..

i don't care if it hurts
i want to have control
i want a perfect body
i want a perfect soul
i want you to notice
when i'm not around
you're so fucking special
i wish i was special

she's running out the door..
she's running out..
she runs.. run... run... run... run..

whatever makes you happy
whatever you want
you're so very special
i wish i was special
but i'm a creep
i'm a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here??
i don't belong here
i don't belong here...

Entries on Monday 26th December 2005

entry Dec 26 2005, 06:20 PM
christmas eve was ok.. we watched 'eraserhead' and played 'songburst:the 70's edition'.. then iced cookies, opened gifts and played with new kitty toys and nerf launchers a bit... but christmas day just depressed me... i didn't hear back from anyone i sent cards/gifts to, of course... it was just really lonely and boring...

Entries on Friday 23rd December 2005

entry Dec 23 2005, 12:56 AM
my favorite song ever...
if you don't have this one on your ipod,
consider yourself deprived...

mad world/gary jules

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places..
worn out faces...
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere..
going nowhere...
their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression..
no expression...
hide my head i want to drown my sorrow
no tommorow..
no tommorow...

and i find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world..
mad world...

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday..
happy birthday...
and to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen..
sit and listen...
went to school and i was very nervous
no one knew me..
no one knew me...
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me..
look right through me...

and i find it kinda funny
i find it kinda sad
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
i find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very very
mad world..
mad world...

(enlargen your world)
mad world...

user posted image

p.s. let me know if you want the mp3...

days no s.i. - 0
no alcohol - still 2 months +

felt sick at the show today...
had a panic attack at the food court after...

Entries on Thursday 22nd December 2005

entry Dec 22 2005, 11:28 AM

days no s.i. - zero
days no alcohol - still 2 months +

i just realized while taking tylenol this a.m. that i have had this migraine since the 14th and one during the week before that, and have not been outside since before the big ice storm...

Entries on Wednesday 21st December 2005

entry Dec 21 2005, 12:55 PM
why would god design a life that feels so exquisitely bad?
it truly is a vale of tears...

we suck young blood//radiohead

are you hungry?

are you sick?

are you begging for a break?

are you sweet?

are you fresh?

are you strung up by the wrists?

we want the young blood...

are you f r a c t u r i n g ??

are you torn at the seams?

would you do anything?



we suck young blood..

we suck young blood..

won't let the creeping ivy...

won't let the nervous bury me...

our veins are thin

our rivers poisoned..

we want the sweet meats..

we want the young blood...

i have such a bad headache

i just want to die
i don't want to leave my kitties alone to be neglected without me
i know from past experience i don't have it in me to kill myself..
not sober anyways..
but i cannot cope with this life anymore.
i just want god to reach down and crush me.

Entries on Tuesday 20th December 2005

entry Dec 20 2005, 05:47 PM

days no s.i. - zero
///the smell of the isopropyl alcohol wipes i use to clean my razor knife makes me want a drink...///
days no alcohol - ? 2 months +

it's thawing...
i have such a headache

fake plastic trees/radiohead

a green plastic watering can
for a fake chinese rubber plant
in the fake plastic earth

that she bought from a rubber man
in a town full of rubber plans
to get rid of itself

it wears her out
it wears her out
it wears her out
it wears her out

she lives with a broken man
a cracked polystyrene man
who just crumbles and burns

he used to do surgery
on girls in the eighties
but gravity always wins

and it wears him out
it wears him out
it wears him out
it wears...

she looks like the real thing
she tastes like the real thing
my fake plastic love

but i can't help the feeling
i could blow through the ceiling
if i just turned and run

and it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out

if i could be who you wanted
if i could be who you wanted
all the time..
all the time...

Entries on Monday 19th December 2005

entry Dec 19 2005, 10:28 AM
after the 'sideways snow' came freezing rain!
here near the mouth of the columbia river gorge the winds are fierce (60 mph),
and this a.m. everything is encased in ice, the cars, the streets, the trees, even the snow on the ground has a thick layer of ice over it!
perfect evenly spaced icicles are hanging from everything..
and the waterfalls are frozen!
we're stuck inside till the roads thaw and melt...
it's kinda lonely...

Entries on Sunday 18th December 2005

entry Dec 18 2005, 03:17 PM
it's snowing like a blizzard out right now!!!
i've never seen anything like it, it's swirling in the street and piling up...
so very cool (literally...)
it's looking like a white christmas is on it's way!!! santa.gif

Entries on Saturday 17th December 2005

entry Dec 17 2005, 01:37 PM
yes, i have a migraine and i don't even care 'cause i'm so happy!!!
to see why just go to this post...
emily strange...

Entries on Tuesday 13th December 2005

entry Dec 13 2005, 02:58 PM
dc.gif ac.gif sex.gif

i received a card from my mother yesterday, we don't talk, but as it turned out i ended up sending her pictures of my son she asked for and she wrote back and gave me my oldest sister's current address, which i wanted so i could send her a xmas care package... i try to do that every xmas at least..
she is mentally ill and lives in board and care facilities mostly in la...
her life is really hard, she prostitutes and is alcoholic/drug addicted, my mom said she was recently hospitalized with an enlarged liver and one kidney shutting down, went through crack withdrawls while there... ug.
i just send her cigarettes and clothes, toothpaste and shampoo, candy bars, stuff like that... i know some years it was all she had for xmas... and who knows how much longer she'll even be around, it's sad.
well, isn't today the first day of xmas? or is it tomorrow..

Entries on Monday 12th December 2005

entry Dec 12 2005, 09:06 PM
today i had a really good day!! balloon.gif
we went xmas shopping and bought new collars and catnip for my kitty girls' stocking, and a great blue light sabre for my son, plus jack skellington cologne that he asked for (after his first date...)
i stocked up on more armwarmers...
for the first time i felt warm enough wearing my new columbia fleece jacket that zips up all the way to under my chin, and my husband and i had cinnaminis that you dip in icing at burger king... it was just fun on a cold winter day...
i have set up a bunch of my cool gumby toys and other collectibles in our spare room that we are using as a "collectibles" room, since we have alot!!
there's some felix the cat stuff, trading cards, emily strange & mr rogers puppets! viewmaster and circus toys too! and i have a nice big poster of johnny depp on the wall... heartbeat.gif along with some of my son's artwork...
my kitties seem to like this room best, too, i call it my happiness room...
i have a dollhouse in there that i can work on, and there's a heater in the wall so i don't freeze...
i'm just happy.. what do you know...?
oh, p.s. my son got really good grades on his report card, all a's and b's and one c!
plus great teacher comments about his character, makes a mom proud... happy.gif


If You Go Chasing Rabbits...

and you know you're going to fall..
user posted image

















Alone By Edgar Allen Poe (1830)
by Edgar Allen Poe

From childhood's hour i have not been as others were,
i have not seen as others saw,
i could not bring my passions from a common spring,
from the same source i have not taken my sorrow,
i could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone,
and all i loved, i loved alone.

then, in my childhood, in the dawn of a most stormy life -
was drawn from every depth of good and ill
the mystery which binds me still,
from the torrent, or the fountain, from the red cliff of the mountain,
from the sun that round me rolled in it's autumn tint of gold,
from the lightning in the sky as it passed me, flying by,
from the thunder and the storm, and the cloud that took the form,
(while the rest of heaven was blue)
of a demon in my view.















Billy Corgan...
















Some Words Of Wisdom..
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Twinkle.. Twinkle..
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mad world...






































Test Specimen...
user posted image  














Kitty Loaf...?
love the loaf!!





user posted image  







Chairman Of The Bored...
float on a river..forever and ever...emily...












Righty - O!
user posted image

Entries on Saturday 5th November 2005

entry Nov 5 2005, 11:55 AM
days no s.i. - 36
days no alcohol - 40

i'm not going to post my weight, i have gained 3 lbs. on my new healthy diet and it's hard to face, but i am enjoying marionberry pie ala mode for breakfast...
(marionberry is a kind of blackberry and is the best thing you can eat for heart healthy antioxidants!)...
also i have recently become addicted to the eggroll from jack-in-the-box...
my goal is to have our kitchen/diningroom finished with windows/skylights replaced, all boxes unpacked and everything totally up and running with a new formal diningroom table in time for an old fashioned homemade thanksgiving feast for me and my guys and my kitties!!! turkey.gif heartbeat.gif

Entries on Friday 4th November 2005

entry Nov 4 2005, 09:58 PM
better day...
spent all day repapering kitchen cabinets... picking off little bits of grimy old liner that's probably older than i am... till i feel like i'm having an out of body experience... still so much to do...

Entries on Thursday 3rd November 2005

entry Nov 3 2005, 11:41 AM
lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif lang.gif
how much i weigh, how many days i have not cut or injured myself or drank alcohol do not matter at all...
i've been pushed to my limit
my throat hurts like someone is gripping/choking me there tightly
it's the part of myself that hates me for sitting here crying like the supreme idiot i know i truly am
but it's not enough to stop the leakage, i'm like a sponge that has become so soaked it has reached the fullest saturation point...
i'm just a fucking mess no matter what i decide
people suck more than any fucking thing i know
it is not just dealing with the morons that is so wearing and heartbreaking
it is the non morons that kill you
the piece of feces salespeople
the truly evil drug companies that want to have control of our brain chemistry and our wallets (real cures don't produce ongoing profits...)
egofuckingmaniac spoiled brat doctors that really know so little
and every other so called human being that must suck every goddamn dime out of you, exploit any weakness and lie to your face
or latch onto whatever resources you can offer them, emotionally, your caring and your time... we're only prey
however futile it is, just know that one person is wishing you all to hell today...

Entries on Tuesday 1st November 2005

entry Nov 1 2005, 11:37 PM
hi, i'm back now with my new cable internet at:

it has been raining plenty here, kinda crazy with all the different repair people coming in and out all the time scaring my kitties..
i love it here, though...
i have discovered the wonders of armwarmers... i have some black ones with skulls on them that have ripped out thumbholes so i can still wear my rings and stuff, plus they cover scars and i am warm enough to wear just a t-shirt again!
i think it is 33 days no s.i. and 37 days sober? i haven't weighed myself in a week, the longest i've gone in ages... i'll update that soon, but i have been taking my vitamins and not making myself sick for a while, which is kinda amazing in itself... i'm just too busy or too wiped out to care as much about weighing myself maybe?
that must be a good thing...
well, gotta go check the arcade and see if i still have the pacman, asteroids and space invaders high scores now that it's november, are they reset yet? that's ok, my scores were so dang high even i tried and couldn't beat them...lol
neener! neener! neener!

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Entries on Saturday 29th October 2005

entry Oct 29 2005, 08:38 PM
si.gif su.gif

goodbye x

you were the cure for my love sickness
my loneliness
for every empty day

for the ache of the snow melting
ice shifting
in the cold numb waste

in the hold of blue blackness
red liquid anesthetic
let me hide from them

and if only i'd held you closer
felt you deeper
would i be better then?

you were the only kind witness
to the nothingness
a meaningless silent pain

a goodbye kiss that never happened
praying after a falling sunrise
coming down like rain

in my mirror with your sad ideas
dark eyed
against a pale flat sky

how could i ever let you go
wings broken
crashing into the same hard ground...

now we can only stay together
who would be my lover
marked forever yours

so ok, make me what you want
i'm sick at heart
a bleeding angel pinned in the snow

i thought maybe we'd
solve this mystery
i thought everything lost is found

if i could ever be what you needed
or if you too are afflicted
let me know somehow...

- a poem from snowballinhell

Entries on Friday 28th October 2005

entry Oct 28 2005, 01:15 PM

no s.i. - 29
no alcohol - 33

found a way to keep online till tuesday when i switch to comcast cable...
been busy busy busy... feeling really mentally out of it at times, weird like my brain won't work...maybe just stress?
sent an email to my sister monday...about our move... haven't heard back from her... oh well, when it comes to my relatives nothing ever surprises me anymore...
i'm so happy we are here in oregon, my son absolutely loves his new high school, he is surprised at how friendly and nice everyone is to him, not like california at all, not overcrowded either, and no uniforms...
the kitties seem happy as clams here with the entire downstairs to play in and all the windows to sit and watch squirrels and birds from... like kitty bigscreen tv!!
my husband and i are getting along better, and i am trying to eat well and take my vitamins and drink gatorade often so i don't get dehydration sick anymore...
i still feel kinda depressed and lonely, but i have plenty to do to keep busy, i set up my big livingroom wall unit with all my favorite books and toys/collectibles, and we have enough wall space now that we can get some of my art framed to hang on the walls... i'm even framing some great radiohead posters to put up downstairs in our new game room!
speaking of games... i love the arcade here... i am addicted to pacman and asteroids, thanks again to amby and andrew!!!
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the happiest i have been here was when we all three went out for ice-cream at a coldstone's creamery, we're going to do that again soon...
well, i'll update my email address here once i get it...

Entries on Tuesday 25th October 2005

entry Oct 25 2005, 09:36 AM
it's day 25 for no s.i.
day 29 for no alcohol?

i really am losing my internet till i get cable in november, so bye for a while...
i'll be back...

Entries on Sunday 23rd October 2005

entry Oct 23 2005, 05:44 PM
days w/out s.i. - 23
days w/out drinking - 27

now i'm sick with a cold...ug.
i've been putting off sending an email to my family to let them know i've moved out of state... i should let them know, i just always feel anxious making contact with them, oh well...
my husband has been showing a colleague how to fill in for him at his old position, and has agreed to do some work from here using his pc/fax to help with the transition, then last night it turns out this guy got into an argument with his father, and his father took out a gun and shot and killed him! sad.gif unbelieveable... he was a good friend for years, such a bizarre thing to have happen...
now my husband has to cover for the one who was going to cover for him, basically...
life is so strange...
i've been kinda depressed and lonely still...
but the weather here is exactly perfect...
i'll send an email to my sister tomorrow...

Entries on Thursday 20th October 2005

entry Oct 20 2005, 08:41 AM
ok, to catch up...
116 lbs.
days without s.i. - 3 weeks exactly
days without drinking - 25

it's raining lightly here...
there's so much to do...
the stress is just too much these days, i feel like i'm in desperate need of just a hug or reassurance of some kind, but my husband with his a.d.d. takes so much of his ongoing frustration out on those of us who are around him that i just don't even want to ask... i never do. we talk, and he says we have always had to get by on our own, even when we were kids, and he's right...
i should try to enjoy the feeling of being on my own and free of ties now...
instead i just care less about everything...
i do want to take care of my kitties and guys, and get the things done that i need to do, but secretly i can't help but still wish i didn't need to even be anywhere anymore...i mean, people die, what does it matter?

Entries on Wednesday 19th October 2005

entry Oct 19 2005, 05:08 PM

it lives (an update)..
this move has been at times a hellatious nightmare and at other times so cool... i'm so beyond tired, and so tired of feeling sick... this is the first chance i've had to use my laptop and it is with superslow dial up that my husband literally rigged from a cord attached to the pole outside!!

about the move...
well, first of all it was all the stress i could even handle without any sleep and trying to keep the kitties in good shape... the movers spent all day packing our stuff because i'm a collector and we have just tons of stuff (all obsessive/compulsively boxed, labeled and organized, at least)... then we headed out before light in a rented motorhome with all 7 kitties in 4 large cat carriers in the back... they were terrified and meow-cried...i was a basket case, it was the hardest thing i've ever done, i've never been more worried, even during childbirth, or other major events like that... i just got snot all over my favorite khaki radiohead jacket crying for days... my son is super protective of the kitties, like me, and we took turns calming them down along the 21+ hour drive... i will always remember how sweet they were as i'd come to check on them and they'd all come up to my face and i could smell their sweet little meow-breath as they'd try to get close to my face, they are the best... they held out great, even at the end when i was afraid they might be dehydrated or that they'd get sick or die, they would purr when i checked on them and pushed kibble through the bars... they were so scared they peed their kitty cushions and everything...
but it all turned out ok, they are fine and haven't even lost and ounce of their plumpness and seem ok after the huge trauma... my husband got so sleepy trying to make the marathon drive straight through that we had to stop and park at a mc'd's in the middle of the night and let him sleep an hour or two and then go on, we hit the worst fog i've ever seen for the last 300 miles and got to our new house at 3 a.m. in the morning... i can't even describe how traumatic this has been.
the sellers left the house in bad shape.. we still have not gotten phone, there was no water when we got here, no gas for laundry/dryer, fireplaces in terrible shape, and a literal mountain of junk, dirt, scrap wood and crap piled up in the back yard that the neighbors say has been accumulating for years... ug.
we had motion sickness so bad from the bumpy rattly rv that my son and i were like deathly ill nauseated for days after, and i have had to just eat the kinds of food i normally do not like at fast food, which has made me sick... i slept on the floor too many nights and have massive bruising from that and injuries i don't even remember doing in all the work/moving heavy stuff... now my son's sick with a cold.. on and on...
no modern conveniences to comfort us, we all just rejoiced once we got electrical and our refrigerator running!!
plus it turns out our formal diningroom has mold in the skylights and we've now spent thousands of dollars setting up a crew to come in and do all the work of replacing windows, ventilating, etc... god. spending lots of money scares me to death.
on the cool side, the house is big and when you look out the front windows you see more squirrels than cars moving out on the street, the kitties love it, woodpeckers, geese flying over, huge christmas trees all around and it rains off and on, which we love...
well, i've gone on and on and on...
i don't know how many days it's been without drinking, and i have not cut either... at 117 still, i was so relieved to find when my scale arrived that i had not gained weight eating all this food, i guess i'm working it off, stressing it off?? but i don't care as much, since i got the ecg results, i feel like i have to take better care of myself or my guys and kitties will end up on their own... i don't know if i mentioned it before the move? i have to go see a cardiologist now, since my heart is weak and supposed to pump at 60% or something, is at 36% instead, from my e.d. ... my husband has had like nightmares that i am going to die, so i feel bad, especially being so sick through all this, i don't want him to worry right now, my son either... he had his 17th birthday two days ago...
we at least got a big old monstrously huge pumpkin and put it up on our front porch... that's our halloween this year!
like nobody offers dsl so i have to get cable installed but it will take probably another week... ug.. i need my internet!

oh, p.s. i was literally hallucinating that i was hearing my kitties meowing in distress even in places where they obviously were too far away like in restrooms where we stopped along the way, etc... at one stop near the oregon border it just reeked of christmas trees outside and was just so beautiful... i like it here, despite everything...

Entries on Tuesday 11th October 2005

entry Oct 11 2005, 02:02 PM
got results from the dr re: my echocardiogram...
i need to go see a cardiologist now
i have a weak heart
i'm afraid to even say, what else?

entry Oct 11 2005, 09:15 AM
no s.i. - 12
no alcohol - 16


stupid fucking people...
we're about to load all our kitties, our budgies, and everything we own into the moving van and drive 18 to 20 hours straight to our new house up in portland, and the sellers didn't make repairs that they agreed to, so the two front garage doors need to be replaced right away, before the movers get there with all the stuff, since we cannot secure it... plus they left a bunch of crap for us to have to haul away, an old hot tub and junk like that... didn't repair the front door as they also agreed to, hope it functions to get stuff in and out there... we allowed them an extension of almost two weeks to do it all, thank you so fucking much...
people suck... never trust them...that's my experience.
i have my typical monthly killer headache, perfect timing, should never have agreed to the extension...
and i'm tired.
i won't have internet after wed. p.m. for like two weeks, unless i can stop in a starbuck's, and if my sbc even works (have to switch to verizon for portland...) so, i'll try to get here to my blog at least, when/if i can...
no... i just realized, it all goes with our phone service, it'll be turned off and i won't be able to even get here, or send emails...
people can go to hell.. right now i hate the whole fucking world...

"hell is other people" jean-paul sartre

Entries on Sunday 9th October 2005

entry Oct 9 2005, 10:45 PM
by Edgar Allan Poe


The skies they were ashen and sober;
The leaves they were crisped and sere-
The leaves they were withering and sere;
It was night in the lonesome October
Of my most immemorial year;
It was hard by the dim lake of Auber,
In the misty mid region of Weir-
It was down by the dank tarn of Auber,
In the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

Here once, through an alley Titanic,
Of cypress, I roamed with my Soul-
Of cypress, with Psyche, my Soul.
These were days when my heart was volcanic
As the scoriac rivers that roll-
As the lavas that restlessly roll
Their sulphurous currents down Yaanek
In the ultimate climes of the pole-
That groan as they roll down Mount Yaanek
In the realms of the boreal pole.

Our talk had been serious and sober,
But our thoughts they were palsied and sere-
Our memories were treacherous and sere-
For we knew not the month was October,
And we marked not the night of the year-
(Ah, night of all nights in the year!)
We noted not the dim lake of Auber-
(Though once we had journeyed down here),
Remembered not the dank tarn of Auber,
Nor the ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir.

And now, as the night was senescent,
And star-dials pointed to morn-
As the star-dials hinted of morn-
At the end of our path a liquescent
And nebulous lustre was born,
Out of which a miraculous crescent
Arose with a duplicate horn-
Astarte's bediamonded crescent
Distinct with its duplicate horn.

And I said–"She is warmer than Dian:
She rolls through an ether of sighs-
She revels in a region of sighs:
She has seen that the tears are not dry on
These cheeks, where the worm never dies,
And has come past the stars of the Lion,
To point us the path to the skies-
To the Lethean peace of the skies-
Come up, in despite of the Lion,
To shine on us with her bright eyes-
Come up through the lair of the Lion,
With love in her luminous eyes."

But Psyche, uplifting her finger,
Said–"Sadly this star I mistrust-
Her pallor I strangely mistrust:-
Oh, hasten!–oh, let us not linger!
Oh, fly!–let us fly!–for we must."
In terror she spoke, letting sink her
Wings until they trailed in the dust-
In agony sobbed, letting sink her
Plumes till they trailed in the dust-
Till they sorrowfully trailed in the dust.

I replied–"This is nothing but dreaming:
Let us on by this tremulous light!
Let us bathe in this crystalline light!
Its Sybilic splendor is beaming
With Hope and in Beauty to-night:-
See!–it flickers up the sky through the night!
Ah, we safely may trust to its gleaming,
And be sure it will lead us aright-
We safely may trust to a gleaming
That cannot but guide us aright,
Since it flickers up to Heaven through the night."

Thus I pacified Psyche and kissed her,
And tempted her out of her gloom-
And conquered her scruples and gloom;
And we passed to the end of the vista,
But were stopped by the door of a tomb-
By the door of a legended tomb;
And I said–"What is written, sweet sister,
On the door of this legended tomb?"
She replied–"Ulalume–Ulalume-
'Tis the vault of thy lost Ulalume!"

Then my heart it grew ashen and sober
As the leaves that were crisped and sere-
As the leaves that were withering and sere-
And I cried–"It was surely October
On this very night of last year
That I journeyed–I journeyed down here-
That I brought a dread burden down here-
On this night of all nights in the year,
Ah, what demon has tempted me here?
Well I know, now, this dim lake of Auber-
This misty mid region of Weir-
Well I know, now, this dank tarn of Auber,
This ghoul-haunted woodland of Weir."

Said we then, the two then,
"Ah, can it have been
That the woodlandish ghouls,
The pitiful, the merciful ghouls,
To bar up our way and to ban it
From the secret that lies in these wolds,
From the thing that lies hidden in these wolds,
Have drawn up the spectre of a planet
From the limbo of lunary souls,
This sinfully scintillant planet
From the Hell of the planetary souls..."

entry Oct 9 2005, 05:29 PM
exit music (for a film)

wake from your sleep
the drying of your tears
today we escape...
we escape...

pack and get dressed
before your father hears us
before all hell breaks loose...

breathe.. keep breathing...
don't lose your nerve
breathe.. keep breathing...
i can't do this alone...

sing us a song
a song to keep us warm
there's such a chill...
such a chill...

and you can laugh
your spineless laugh
we hope your rules
and wisdom choke you...

now we are one in everlasting peace...
we hope that you choke
that you choke...
we hope that you choke
that you choke...
we hope that you choke
that you choke...

entry Oct 9 2005, 09:43 AM

days without s.i. - 10
days without drinking - 14

i have a headache today
and the light hurts my eyes...

Entries on Saturday 8th October 2005

Entries on Thursday 6th October 2005

entry Oct 6 2005, 05:55 PM
days without s.i. - 7
days without drinking - 11

i'm tired, and i don't like having houseguests...
i don't even want to talk, i don't want to move, i want to stop now...
i want to hibernate right through the rest of this thing...
i have a headache and a stomachache...
i know cutting would take me away...

little one / elliott smith

one more
little one
i'll go down
and stay down
and sleep the rest of the day
dream new music to calm down
and stay down
and keep evil away
i can hear you asleep
changing your shape
dissolve in some dream
till a new one appears
to take you along where you've never been...
the moonlight tonight seems to belong to me
'cause i never sleep/even those who can't sleep
they need some company...

one hit
wouldn't hurt a bit
i'll go down
and stay down
and see what's there to find
if it's good shit
we won't know
and i won't know you've found that i've died/i'll be ok
if i seem to be reckless with myself
it's the fault of no one
all things have a place
under the moon
as well as the sun
one more
little one
i love you...

i can really feel myself going down a decline today...

Entries on Wednesday 5th October 2005

entry Oct 5 2005, 07:43 AM
115 today...

days without s.i. - 6
days without drinking - 10


Entries on Tuesday 4th October 2005

entry Oct 4 2005, 04:27 PM
still 116..

days without s.i. - 5
days without drinking - 9

i feel like such a spaz lately...
i am anxious, i get upset easily and i talk too much..
also my dr left a message on my machine to call her back, she wants to talk to me about the results of my echocardiogram...that worries me...because i figured no news was good news, and i cancelled my physical because i was all cut up and too chicken to go... now i'm scared to even call her back, but i need to... and i know she will be upset that i cancelled my appointment...again.
we move on the 13th early in the a.m. before light...
if my kitties cry the whole way in their carriers i'll be a basketcase...

user posted image chicken.gif

Entries on Saturday 1st October 2005

entry Oct 1 2005, 09:38 AM
116 still
days without cutting - 2
days without drinking - 6

i just feel so stupid lately,
and like the minotaur in the picture up there on the left...
a big oversized crying monster...
i'm just going to shut up now.


my guys at f.i.d.m. star wars show...
"i am your father..."
"no, i am..."
only mom knows for sure...






frogkitten will get you!















You Can Find Me Here...
 i am gumbylove here at sia and snowballinhell or friendlyghost elsewhere...

safe haven

down the rabbit hole...

silent screams

broken smiles

sis forum uk (friendlyghost)

my live journal (snowballinhellx)

proana webring (asnowballinhell)  

















Sabrina Felina...


Tabitha Pittypat...




Rose Blue...
user posted image


user posted image


user posted image


user posted image




poor kitty...oh the humanity..









Or 7...    














I Love You...
user posted image  














Leave Me Alone...
user posted image  











user posted image  







































Against Demons...
















soon after dark...
emily cries...































Why Are You Crying?...

Entries on Friday 30th September 2005

entry Sep 30 2005, 08:49 AM
still 116 and happy right where i am...

days without cutting - 1
days without drinking - 5

kinda alot of anxiety these days...
but no more destructive crap like last weekend..
my therapist has offered to let me email her
back and forth in place of sessions through
this big move coming up...
i'll probably run her ragged and make her
sick of me, but at least i'm leaving...
besides, she's been rattling my cage lately... 001_rolleyes.gif
at least she does seem to care...


Entries on Thursday 29th September 2005

entry Sep 29 2005, 05:44 AM
116 today... i know i should not worry about numbers/weight but i can't help needing to feel kind towards myself whatever that takes right now...

days with out s.i. - zero
days without drinking - 4

i slept last night and dreamed
maybe because my mind has let me rest...
i had a dream that i was gone
i didn't even have a reflection in the mirror
but it was ok..
it was very reassuring in a way...

my cuts rebled in my sleep..

oh.. p.s. i'm so glad
we don't have to tag in the
blogs anymore...

Entries on Wednesday 28th September 2005

entry Sep 28 2005, 10:47 PM
si.gif su.gif dc.gif ed.gif ac.gif
i did not drink today,
but i have been cutting kind of alot,
and then i went to my last session with my therapist
and completely dissociated or tranced out or something...
she calls it 'checking out'
i didn't know that was going to happen, it makes me feel
like such an idiot..
i have alot of cuts, on my sides and arm, maybe it is
what is making me check out today, it does that, but
usually i can function if things arent too bad..
i know i have not been coping well with this right now,
moving, and problems between me and my husband,
and i went to try to say goodbye to my sick sister
and she was gone and no one knows where
she's mentally ill, and she's usually in hospitals and board
and care facilities, but often she has fallen through the
cracks and been on the street (prostituting and using crack)
anyway now she is lost again and
i don't think i'll probably ever see her again now.
the paralyzed frozen feeling is starting to shake off some,
i'm so glad i at least was able to talk some
usually this has happened before at home and i could not talk at all
i'm afraid one day i'll just really go crazy or something.
i'm afraid of not having my therapist to talk to
if my life goes back to how it was before
i am worried i will have to get out of it any way i can..
maybe it won't
maybe it will be better
i worry because i had gone to this one psychologist many years ago
and i looked up to him like he was the sun or something, even though
he was such a jerk so much of the time, anyway, it was probably like
he reminded me of my dad?
but my husband went too, alot of the time, especially at first because i
sat there and did not say anything at all...
anyway at one point i found out my husband was completely lying to me
about what the psychologist was saying, just for his own reasons, and
when i realized this i got so scared and i quit going and then i started
getting migraines, tmj and phobias about food...
i'm afraid leaving another therapist i really depended on might make me sick
in some new way, or something, i just don't know...
i don't know. i said bye and went to the car and cried like a mental case...

Entry ...

entry Sep 28 2005, 08:19 AM
days without cutting - zero
days without drinking - 3

angel2.gif wondering since i'm quitting anyway
if it would be worth it for one last time... diablo.gif (cheers?)

Entries on Monday 26th September 2005

entry Sep 26 2005, 04:39 AM

is the only way to go
sure in gravity's embrace
weakness pulling you down
speeding into eternity
against the deafening wind
dropped from care's numb
and fumbling hands..

the cold increase of night
changing your eyes to black
as day gives up everything
to the lowest edge of the sky
the obsession called life arrested and
surrendered to your maker
in the glow of goodbyes
the secret debris of your spent heart
only a meaningless vapor trail...

days without cutting - zero
days without drinking - 1

Entries on Sunday 25th September 2005

entry Sep 25 2005, 03:03 PM
si.gif su.gif lang.gif ac.gif

well i guess i'm not real popular now that i fucked up

Entries on Saturday 24th September 2005

entry Sep 24 2005, 05:18 PM
si.gif trig.gif lang.gif ac.gif

update: days w/out drinking...zero
days w/out cutting.....zero


entry Sep 24 2005, 02:48 PM

officially off the wagon...

oh well...
i'm getting used to being sick
most of the time anyway...

entry Sep 24 2005, 10:54 AM
pretty (ugly before)... by elliott smith

been keeping me up for days
there is no nighttime
it's only a passing phase
and i feel pretty
pretty enough for you
i felt so ugly before
i didn't know what to do

is all i feel up to now
but it's not worth it to you
because you gotta feel high right now
is it destruction?
that you're required to feel
like somebody wants you..
someone that's more for real...

been keeping me up for days
there is no nighttime
it's only a passing phase
and i'll feel pretty another hour or two
i felt so ugly before
i didn't know what to do
i didn't know what to do
i didn't know what to do

i felt so ugly before
i didn't know what to do...


Entries on Friday 23rd September 2005

Entry ...

entry Sep 23 2005, 10:03 AM
this a.m. i am thinking maybe this is just exhaustion,
maybe i just need to rest, and also i can't help but
grieve for everything i am leaving behind...
feed a cold, starve a fever? what do you do for a
broken heart? ermm.gif i guess that's the eternal question?
if times heals all wounds why am i still this way?
depression scares me...

Entries on Thursday 22nd September 2005

entry Sep 22 2005, 08:33 PM
trig.gif lang.gif ed.gif

well, that happy face didn't last long...
now i'm really depressed...
i even ate more than i'm used to eating,
i hate that feeling of being too full..
maybe i thought i'd feel better...not.

really really depressed...
now it's a done deal, papers are all signed..
just went downhill all day...
(like a snowball in hell getting smaller and smaller and disappearing into a puddle...?)
now it's hitting me, i guess.

entry Sep 22 2005, 09:35 AM
ac.gif su.gif si.gif

today i drew a happy face in my journal!!
i don't know if i ever did that before...
we've signed papers and put the final pieces into motion...
and soon i will be leaving...
i'm ready to go.. even though i'm sure i'll fall apart on the other end of this...
in a strange way i think you have to be just a little bit suicidal to take this kind of a risk, to jump off in a completely new direction, i have nothing to lose in some ways

i woke up in the middle of the night again, like i always do, and this time i woke up with the familiar feeling that i am all alone... like times long ago..
i know i have a son, my kitties and a husband, but i have settled my life into a marriage that feels like what i have known, in a way i am emotionally quarantined... i'm afraid sometimes of my ability to cope alone...
i think that everyone needs to have someone there, that will curl up behind you and hold on to you when you just can't talk...
s.i. has been my only true comfort, sadly sometimes even more so than my kitties, it is too hard for me to give it up yet...maybe someday.
as for the drinking, going back to it after something like a 10 year abstinence, even for just 6 months or so like i did, was just like laying out a minefield for myself, associations and temptation lurk around every corner...i'll never make it, i know...
old friends die hard...

Entries on Wednesday 21st September 2005

entry Sep 21 2005, 09:13 AM
si.gif ac.gif ed.gif lang.gif
big thunderstorm here yesterday, lots of lightning scaring my kitties to pieces!!

well, there are the usual tags, because i feel i am going to rant a bit...
this moving is quite stressful... we have sold our house on this end, and yet the sellers of the new house we are buying are dragging their feet and making us worried, we are just hanging out there awaiting a definite commitment in writing on their part (it is a bankrupcy situation and there are lawyers on their end), we just want to get outta here already, but we're waiting on a judge's decision on the 28th and these people to get off their butts and go!

i could go on and on, but frankly, it makes me crazy just to talk it over again...
at least the appraiser came here yesterday, one more thing done, strangers outta my house...

sober and still haven't cut, i find that if i can put it off just one day (s.i.), that i can get past needing it for awhile, i end up busy or in a different state of mind/mood that next day, enough to avoid it...sometimes...
the need for a drink just crops up all the hell over the place... it does NOT seem to go away...

i love our new truck, well not new, it's a used '95 dodge ram for our camper, and it is super clean and nice inside and out, runs perfect, best we could've hoped for...and best of all, it's all paid for...no one can take it away, which speaks to my eternally insecure inner child, saying, "you will never be homeless, because you have your camper/truck"... not so crazy a thought, as we had to actually live in it for a while back when my son was a baby, something i'll never forget...my good old camper...my husband has tried to get me to sell it, get rid of it...no fucking way!!...it is my hedge against disaster... and besides, when we're not using it, we keep it set up for games, vintage nes/snes games like final fantasy and ultima, dragon warrior, wizardry, fester's quest, shadowgate and tombs & treasures...we have all the good oldies! all my game journals/maps and acoutremont have been passed down to the next grateful generation with my son...the game master jr.

i finished my goodbye letters with plenty of real tears, and more resolve and anger than i thought i had going on, maybe running into my parents the other day that way was a test?...am i really ready to go? ...i am.

and what else do i do to deal with all the stress but try to lose a few lbs.... that makes perfect sense, doesn't it? 117 now and sickish just about every a.m., but i don't even care, i need to be ok with me/myself right now for some reason...

i don't know why, this just appeared here, i think i'll wear my "pirates of the carribean" shirt from disneyland today...feeling piratey!

drink up, mateys, yo ho!
(gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell)

Entries on Monday 19th September 2005

entry Sep 19 2005, 04:19 PM
today i saw my parents...
i have not spoken with them in years, and today while waiting to pick my son up from school, they drove right by me, saw me, and this time decided to wave to me...i was so conflicted as to what to do, and when i saw my niece in the car with them looking out the window at me, i waved..and that must have been all the encouragement my mom needed, because just when i was starting to calm down, thinking they were gone, they pulled up from behind me and parked their car and began getting out! they had gone around the block! i was already in tears and all shaky and when i realized they were back i just about had heart failure... i panicked and i took off and drove in a circuitous path in a huge path around the school trying to avoid them, and get back to my son before he ran into them...knowing after all this time of them avoiding us that it would freak him out, too... anyway, that's enough panic for me, i want to get outta here. i had actually just finished writing my 'goodbye' letters to them both when suddenly this happened. it just made me feel upset all over again after i thought i was finally laying this whole issue to rest... no.gif sad.gif
man, could i ever use a drink right now...


i didn't even need to cut, i decided it would be the least of all evils...
i need to be lost right now..
then i just stopped feeling real ... just like that... fell asleep...
disconnected a million miles without cutting..
if i've hurt them at all, that hurts me...
but now it's not even real...
it's ok. if i need to cut tomorrow i can.

entry Sep 19 2005, 10:32 AM

well, last night we cooled off with sweet cream and raspberry ice cream from coldstone's creamery and turned off the lights and read poetry by flashlight! user posted image yeah, we're beatniks...
it was so perfect, with that great big moon out, too, just a whisker away from being full...
my son is great at reading poetry aloud, of that i am proud..and afterwards we got to talking about our dreams and nightmares...
i have a hard time reading poetry aloud because it makes me choke up and cry, strange i am so disconnected to all else but poetry, music and art... at christmastime i cry buckets through all of the christmas carols...it is my weakness, for sure..
all necessary repairs are complete on the house, and we got a bunch more packing done, but now my husband's back is shot for awhile,
we also bought a truck to take our camper up to oregon, we pick it up tonight, then tomorrow the appraiser comes...will it never end?!
even now, while things seem a little better, i get these thoughts that i'd really like a drink...i don't think this is something i'll be too successful with for very long.

Entries on Sunday 18th September 2005

entry Sep 18 2005, 09:33 AM
ok, so surprise! i am in a good mood this morning... w00t.gif
it was so funny, we were just waking up and my hubby and i got on this subject, he was saying how "visual" he is..and about how "touching" visual things are to him, like scenes of families together, etc... so anyway, how could i resist such a perfect setup?... i jumped up and mooned him..(yep, my skinny lily white arse!) and said,
"yeah? well Touch this, baby!" and ran! he tried to catch me, but i got away and locked the door...it was just really funny...

so, i am so into poetry right now that we have decided to have a reading tonight!
that's right, we are such cool cats, we are gonna HOWL tonight...
me..(cool kitty)...hubby...(big daddy hamburger patty) and jr. (hyde)...well, actually my husband doesn't do readings, he just sits back and clicks his fingers for us...
we got the idea one time when we had this blackout here, and my son had curled up into fetal position since he couldn't play his PS2, so we got out flashlights and held them under our faces and read scary h.p. lovecraft stories! it was way cool! my husband took video using the 'nightshot' effect which was so creepy, we had these vampire like glowy eyes, and our kitties kept walking around with their glowy eyes! anyway, it'll be so cool, i know.
i would like a tape of it to put audio on my ipod anyway, because i am "auditory" and have to hear my poetry read aloud for me to fully appreciate it...i'm going to attempt ulalume and for annie...
i'll let you know how it went..
yes, no tags!

Entries on Saturday 17th September 2005

entry Sep 17 2005, 10:34 AM
hey look no tags!
i'm going to see if i can get through this entry without them...lol
the plumber is here, the termite man and the notary man is coming with our agent so we can sign more papers...
termite man vs. notary man? my money's on termite man...
this blog is my respite from these invaders milling around me right now...
ed.gif lang.gif
i couldn't sleep last night again much, when i did i had bad dreams...
it's like chronic anxiety i guess, and i felt
sickish again, despite ongoing gatorade and force feeding of protein, oh man, need to go back and tag...
anyway, i feel worse when i eat, so... whatever..i'm doing my best walking a thin line..
doing a little better though, mentally, i think, lots to do, packing especially, that makes me glad, getting further along...outta here.
not as depressed, and almost done with my goodbye letters, just mom and dad left...saved the toughest ones for last..
it's hard because my husband has a.d.d. and is just so tuned out generally, it is lonely, and i've gotten used to it kinda, i try to talk to him, appeal to him, but it's mostly like being alone with an old friend, living together, once in awhile he wants company and it's almost like we are dating, but sometimes i just don't even want to be close to him. sad, huh? after 18 years of marriage... at least we each know that we won't bail out on each other, and we do love each other, in our devoted dysfunctional way...it's just when times are hard, i really feel on my own..
w.e.i.f.n.? (what else is fucking new?) i need a button that says this...oh, shit, now i must go back and tag..oops..another one...

Entries on Friday 16th September 2005

Entry Ug...

entry Sep 16 2005, 09:04 AM
ac.gif ed.gif lang.gif si.gif

hi, here i am sickish again, clutching my gatorade bottle...
what the fuck is the matter with me anyway...
i just have this selfish need to feel better, even if it is in my own sick ways,
s.i., cold vodka or my familiar cloudy minded hunger high...
that's pathetic, but it's what i have, it's what has helped me so many times before... and i need something right now...

well, i took good care of my last cuts, cleaned 'em up, and kept bandaids on, they healed much faster, i noticed..usually after i just don't wanna see or think about it and i ignore it.. still thinking about s.i. ...a drink... it's like russian roulette solitaire...spin the bottle...some metaphor... what will it be next? suspense...
like having 5 bullets loaded into 6 chambers and still knowing fate will cruelly not kill me...lucky me.
writing more goodbyes...
laying off the dark poetry a bit, going to focus on packing this weekend, tons to do to distract myself... only gets me closer/more ready to leave...
i'm running away from home just like i wanted to do when i was 8..
i guess it just took me longer than i planned, but now i'm ready..?


Entries on Thursday 15th September 2005

entry Sep 15 2005, 02:03 PM
ed.gif si.gif

this little one just hatched and wriggled it's way out of my twisted brain
and was born on one sleepless autumn night...


no matter how thin i get
i still cast a giant shadow
no matter how many times i bury her
she digs her way out through the dirt
with her nails in my flesh
and whispers in my ear from behind
i shed my skin
but the scales return
red and black and smooth
i choke her down
i kill the thirst
and she is flying out
singing 4 and 20 black words
looking out of my eyes
her poison in my veins
her venom in my mouth
her fangs piercing flesh
her rot in my heart
her smile on my lips...

entry Sep 15 2005, 08:49 AM
si.gif su.gif ac.gif ed.gif lang.gif

i just wanted to say thanks to the nice people who talked to me in the 'considering suicide' forum while the main site was down...i read all 8 pages of the "reasons for.." page, and i usually keep my head above water ok, even with all my problems, but when i crash i stop caring about just about everything. sorry if i seemed beyond help at the time. i just finally get tired. but i'm ok now, my kitties need me to take care of them in the way they are accustomed to, and to get them through the trauma of this big move into their new big house...that's what i'm here for.

i just can't help thinking about suicide as a way out, have always had those kind of thoughts here and there since i was little, even. i'll be driving down the highway by the airport approaching a tunnel, and as i accellerate i can feel just how easy it would be to aim for the concrete instead of the tunnel, that's when i know the idea is creeping in again...

i have not had a drink since june still... this is no easy thing...and i don't feel like i have to fucking like it...
my eating is ok, taking vitamins once in a while and drinking gatorade, not sick anymore, but at 118 lbs. (at 5'9") i feel like just a few more lbs. down would make me feel so much better...
i cut twice last weekend, and once i've screwed up and done it, it just doesn't seem to matter if i do it again, but so far i have stopped...

i have been writing goodbye letters to everyone, selfish one sided ones that i do not intend to send, they are for my closure only...bridge burning. the hardest one has been for my sister who is mentally ill and in a board and care facility, but then i haven't even started the ones for my parents yet...

still listening to poe on disc, but have changed my mind, right now my favorite is 'for annie', the way it is read on the cd i mentioned in my last entry...

an excerpt (1849) my website has a link to the full version...

thank heaven the crisis-
the danger is past,
and the lingering illness
is over at last-
and the fever called living
is conquered at last

sadly, I know
i am shorn of my strength,
and no muscle I move
as I lie at full length-
but no matter-I feel
i am better at length

and I rest so composedly,
now, in my bed
that any beholder
might fancy me dead-
might start at beholding me,
thinking me dead

the moaning and groaning,
the sighing and sobbing,
are quieted now,
with that horrible throbbing
at heart:–ah, that horrible,
horrible throbbing

the sickness–the nausea-
the pitiless pain-
gave ceased, with the fever
that maddened my brain-
with the fever called living
that burned in my brain

and oh of all tortures
that torture the worst
has abated–the terrible
torture of thirst
for the naphthaline river
of passion accurst:-
i have drunk of a water
that quenches all thirst:-

of a water that flows,
with a lullaby sound,
from a spring but a very few
feet under ground-
from a cavern not very far
down under ground

and ah let it never
be foolishly said
that my room it is gloomy
and narrow my bed;
for man never slept
in a different bed-
and, to sleep, you must slumber
in just such a bed

my tantalized spirit
here blandly reposes,
forgetting, or never
regretting its roses-
its old agitations
of myrtles and roses:

for now, while so quietly
lying, it fancies
a holier odor
about it, of pansies-
a rosemary odor,
commingled with pansies-
with rue and the beautiful
puritan pansies...

yes, it is creepy, but i love it...

well, stuff to do today...
(gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell)






to the world you may be one person,
but to one person you may be the world...











Too And Loo...
friends of gumby... music notes...
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Looking Glass...
go ask alice... i think she'll know...










                    100% poison...











My Tea Party...               and i'll cry if i want to...
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"we're All Mad Here..."












Alice in Wonderland...
"but i don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked. 

"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. 
i'm mad. you're mad." 

"how do you know i'm mad?" said Alice. 

"you must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." 

Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on 
"and how do you know that you're mad?" 

"to begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. you grant 

"i suppose so," said Alice. 

"well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when 
it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl 
when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore 
I'm mad.."
















You Are Invited...

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change places!
pour yourself some wine...



      I Never Made It Without Biting...
american magee's 
cheshire cat...







But Why Is The Rum Gone???





my little cherubs...






Every Dog Has It's Day...
but nights are reserved for cats...







   you go kitty...














"Hey! Let Us Out!"
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A Little Radiohead...
rabbit in your headlights...

i'm a rabbit in your headlights
scared of the spotlight
you don't come to visit
i'm stuck in this bed
thin rubber gloves
she laughs when she's crying
she cries when she's laughing
fat bloody fingers are
sucking your soul away

i'm a rabbit in your headlights
christian suburbanite
washed down the toilet
money to burn
fat bloody fingers are
sucking your soul away

if you're frightened of dying
and you're holding on
you'll see devils tearing your life away
but, if you've made your peace
then the devils are really angels
freeing you from the earth...
from the earth...

white worms on the underground
caught between stations
butter fingers
i'm losing my patience
i'm a rabbit in your headlights
christian suburbanite
you got money to burn
fat bloody fingers are
sucking your soul away... away... away..
i'm a rabbit in your headlights...






You Make Kitty Scared!!
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Carnevil Balloons...














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Entries on Wednesday 14th September 2005

entry Sep 14 2005, 02:42 PM
since my posts vanished too, i will put up some of my writing here... so here are all my obnoxious tags...
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now i lay me down to sleep

a child in bed in the dark looks at the door leading to the hallway, it is open slightly and she hopes her mom will come in to check on her. she looks at the door in the dark as she waits, listening for a sound in the hall, hearing only the faint sound of voices farther off somewhere in the house. in her mind's eye she makes up a fantasy of her mom coming to check on her, she imagines what she will say, and how she will smile and kiss her goodnight. she says her prayers silently, in her head, and then drifts back into fantasy, adding a different story, changing it to another, making up all kinds of possible realities. her eyes get tired and she closes them, but she is awake. the longer she waits, the more fervently she believes that it is the time, and surely her mom will come to check on her. with her eyes closed she bides her time with even more stories. at some point she realizes that a long time has passed and it is very late. she hasn't been able to fall asleep yet, and no one has come to check on her. no one ever does.

the child, in a different room, a different bed, beside a window, stares out at the round white moon through the glass. it's a warm night and she pushes the blanket off her pajama sleeve and places her hand on the white wall beside her. she leans over and rests her cheek against the cool surface. she feels the wall with her palm, with her knuckles, then, making a fist, she lies there perfectly still for a long time. finally, in a silent sort of slow motion, she hits the wall with her knuckles, softly, secretly, feeling them bruise.

the same child, a little older, says her prayers, still silently in her head, only now they are longer, more elaborate. she checks on her belongings which are hidden under the bed at her side, ready. the closet light is on and shines dimly in a stream into the room, but she doesn't need it, she is not afraid of the dark. she still makes up stories in her head, or sometimes she counts or says parts of her prayers over and over and over and over. the voices in the house are louder than before, she listens but cannot make out the words, only the tone, the decibel. there is a sudden loud noise like a piece of furniture being knocked over into a wall. she listens intently as the voices get louder. she is only able to make out a word here and there, but she can't seem to stop listening.

the child is older now, not really a child anymore, as she comes up the dark driveway and lets herself quietly into the house with her keys. she locks the door behind her and slips into the livingroom, sitting down in the chair there, she lights one last cigarette for the night and sits smoking quietly in the dark. she listens to the soft snoring and breathing sounds coming from the couch and small bed nearby, where shadowy figures lie sleeping. putting out her cigarette, she gets a pillow and blanket from a cupboard in the hall and lies down on the hard floor. as soon as she closes her eyes the world starts spinning. she knows it will last a little while before it will stop and she will fall asleep too.

a long time later, a woman sits on the edge of her bed. she takes a small tin from the bedside stand and opens it, removing a sharp razor knife. she opens it and looks at it, turning it over in her hands. taking out a cold alcohol wipe from a tiny packet she cleans the blade carefully and waits for it to dry. she pulls up her sleeve, exposing the inside of her left arm, where she slowly and silently slices first one, and then another shallow cut into her flesh. she pauses and watches the blood bead up in spots along the criss-cross cuts. without expression, she stares like a dead doll as she makes several more cuts, deeper this time. the blood wells up, rich, warm and alive, and drips down the length of her arm. the woman watches until the bleeding slows and stops, she watches until it dries there on her skin, she watches intently for a long time. she feels cold. cold but safe. she drops the tin with it's contents replaced back in the nightstand, and draws a blanket around her shoulders. the door is locked and the house is silent. she wraps her arms and the blanket around her self, feeling the bones in her arms, her elbows, her wrists, and her ribs. now she can sleep. she feels like she can sleep forever.

bruised and bled

standing paralyzed
turned to glass
cold as death
dry as raven's breath

remote red rage
for want of an ice pick blow
direct to
the heart

or one well placed stranger
by blind accident
to stumble into you
to send you tipping over backwards
to leave you breaking
to feed on sharp grateful tears of pain
to rest in pieces
bruised and bled

the fall

i could hear the fall coming
as crows in the trees
it tasted like nightmares and smoke
on the breeze
i could see it come toward me and
beckon me in
with sweet treats and tricks
and a jack'o'lantern grin
it was yellow and black
it was blood red and brown
as the leaves that lay piled up
dead on the ground
it took me off guard
and it spun me around
it showed me the right place to stand
and look down
as a calliope whined out it's
last minor tune
it pushed me
and i saw the man in the moon
it left everything broken
my bones
and my mind
in a thousand small pieces
too scattered to find
and the only thing i recall
thinking of then
was of all the king's horses
and all the king's men
how sadly idiotic
and twisted this season
had swept in so deftly
and stolen my reason

no title

and you're far away
sweet memories
scared up by the rusty warm october wind
kindle my love for you
and are released to play
in wild flying spirals
with the leaves

keys for unlocking

there are all kinds of smiles
and designs of cages,
covers on books
and the turning of pages,
unwinding the heavens
unspoken equations,
poems from angels
to stir up the stars,
the masterful
thumbprints of golddust,
our hearts


snow angel whispers white
to see a good child through the night
in sacred flight
i'll take your hand

she hears the cries of those
with secrets in their eyes
to them she sings her saddest
sweetest lullabies

hide here
perfect velvet wings of blue and gold
the crumpled paperdoll soul she
will there enfold
feels not the cold

it's ok, it's safe to sleep and play
together we'll call smiles from far away
and dream a way


you're an idiot
(you know that you are)
say goodbye
to the fool in the mirror
she got swallowed whole
swallowed down
hard and deep into oblivion
held in the starry arms of
the milky way
snowflake tears
fall cold and silent
without the warmth of a heartbeat


there are desolate places
not faraway
in the corner of your eye
down a side road
stuck in a crack
behind a windowpane
pale grey saturdays
taken out
looked at
put away
locked in the corners
pounding in dusty darkness
you've already forgotten
if you dreamed me
or if i dreamed you

entry Sep 14 2005, 12:44 PM
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well, i'm back, did you miss me? i'm afraid most of my blog vanished into the black hole of some unexplored area of cyberspace during the last forum update, so i'll catch you up to where i am right now...

last s.i. was just last week...ug
last drink was mid june sometime...got close last weekend...

i'm still into poetry right now, listening to poe on disc, i recommend "closed on account of rabies" to any poe fans..this cd features cool readings by people like iggy pop, marianne faithful, and the best version i've heard of the raven by christopher walken...right now my favorite is ulalume...
just got a really hard to find book of poetry on amazon.com by the new zealand author, janet frame..she is an agoraphobic woman who was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and spent time in locked wards where she wrote some of her poetry, one of my favorite films is about her life, it's called, "an angel at my table" - check it out sometime..
i also got a bunch more sylvia plath to ruminate over...

i sold my house, and last night everyone seemed to show up for the inspection like it was girl's night or something, everyone invading my quiet little livingroom, the stillness of my sanctuary broken irreparably by loud talking and laughing... i felt like i should sell them all tupperware or something...it was positively surreal, and i was so freaked i sat there literally shaking, but the inspection went great, and everyone seemed to have a good time, and my husband promises to handle the "final walk-thru" while i hide with my kitties...

now we just need to finalize things with the new house up in oregon so we can get away! i've been writing goodbye letters to my family members who don't speak to me, my family is completely fucked up, but i'm not going to send them, it's just closure for me, maybe i'll burn them or tear them up into pieces and drop them in the ocean, burn those old bridges down... it's so depressing...

i'm doing a little better eating/not starving myself so i can manage this move without just fainting dead away in front of strangers... i was so self-conscious about my scars and cuts and bandaids last night with everyone here, usually i don't care that much, except for at the dr.'s, but i didn't want to answer any questions at all...

well, i couldn't sleep at all last night hardly, i'm just all hypervigilant and feeling displaced, this isn't my house any more! i need asylum!! i go to see my therapist this evening... last time i about choked, started crying talking about my mom... oh yeah, the lady buying our house reminds me exactly of my mom! how bizarre...

bren (gumbylove a*k*a snowballinhell)

Entries on Monday 29th August 2005

entry Aug 29 2005, 04:05 PM
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this is my first entry in my first blog, so bear with me 'cause i don't really know what i'm doing...
today my issue is food/eating.. i don't want to. but a week or so ago i literally fainted or passed out in the shower and my husband had to come help me, and since then i've gone to the dr and gotten an ekg and lab tests and stuff. i have anemia, which i've had for a long time, still waiting on the other tests..anyway, i am supposed to be careful and drink lots of gatorade to keep my electrolytes in balance, keep myself from getting dehydrated, which happens to me alot, keep up my blood pressure..
i'm supposed to care and take care of myself, but if you only knew me, you'd know how hard that is to do, i have really low self-esteem in some ways, i know. i go to see a good therapist, who i've seen for years, but i think she's tired of dealing with me. therapy just always feels like the class that i never seem to be able to pass, you know?
i don't think my weight's very low, it's been lower in years past, i was diagnosed with anorexia in 1999, when it was real low, but i still obsess about weight/food all the time. i have a journal/notebook i've written and stuck pictures in for a long time that i read over to keep myself on track, guess that's pretty unhealthy... it has good recipes and "safe food lists" and stuff, but also alot of ugly self talk/beating up that keeps me from eating, whatever.

as far as s.i. - i have not cut since about 2 weeks ago, when i made a pretty bad carve up on my leg/hip where i thought i could hide it, even if i had to go to the dr.

i am about dying for a drink as well, it has been like 2 months?? i thought i was quitting, but i think about that too much, too... i know it's just a matter of when and not if... it feels like it's right here by me..

well, i have literally zero friends, so anyone who wants to talk or anything feel free to email/pm me, visit my website and check out my secret galleries if you like, ***trigger***(warning: the secret galleries are generally quite triggering!)
i have some poetry/prose posted in the s.i.a. forums, too (**SI ED SU**) i appreciate any feedback so be honest,
well, bye


Tea & Sugar...
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A Poem
i'll draw you a picture..
i'll draw it with a twist..
i'll draw it with a razorblade..
i'll draw it on my wrist..
and if i draw correctly a red fountain will appear
and wash away my sorrows...




           Fight Like A Girl... get mad...get even!!
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emily's kitty...






sleepyhead babies...













***triggering! Don't Look***
you looked!!






me at 'pink's' in hollywood...











America Needs More Cowbell...
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Walken for President!!!!!!!!!